


it has to be you

by melodyinlove



Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7
Genre: Aged-Down Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Slow Burn, more tags will be added as things progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2019-10-26 19:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 36,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17751938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodyinlove/pseuds/melodyinlove
Summary: younghyun worries about his soulmate and their lack of emotions. it doesn't help that his best friend is jae, who constantly talks about wanting to meet his soulmate, expecting her to be everything he's ever imagined.also.an au where you feel the emotions your soulmate feels.





	1. the start of it all

**Author's Note:**

> notes before you read:  
> \- everyone is aged down to be the age of their grade (ex. jae, young k and whoever else is in their grade is around 20/21 years old)  
> \- the concept of soulmates feeling each other's emotions is a common plot but i do put my twists into it which will be explained in the fic  
> \- i'm from the states so if things seem slightly off or wrong in terms of korean accuracy, please don't mind it too much (one example of this is im trying to base this fic on how korean academic calendars actually are, but i'm from the states and on quarter system so trying to understand their calendar and semester system is tricky sometimes)  
> \- this fic will switch perspectives from jae and young k, a clear indicator of this will be that if it's jae's perspective young k will be referred to as brian and if it's young k's perspective then young k will be referred to as younghyun  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every story has a beginning and here is this one.

“Aren’t you excited to meet your soulmate someday?” twelve year old Jae smiles as he hits the birdie to the other side of the court to his best friend at the time, Sammy. It’s only the two of them, staying back late playing badminton after school because they had nothing better to do.

Sammy shrugs after rallying it back, “I mean I guess. My mom says the universe brings us together when it’s the right time so I’m not thinking about it too much.”

Jae tries to spike, but Sammy catches it perfectly. “Isn’t it fascinating though? Having someone who is meant for you, someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are. It makes me want to meet them as soon as possible!”

“I get what you mean, but what about us? Like, I understand you and accept you for who you are. What’s the difference?” Sammy successfully spikes, getting the last point and winning their friendly match.

The loser sighs in defeat, picking up the birdie, “But that’s different. We’re best friends, not _soulmates._ There’s something more magical about soulmates. You know, like in the movies and the songs on the radio.”

“Whatever you say, bro.”

Jae smiles as he looks at his friend, “I know, okay? It’s going to be amazing when I meet her.”

 

\---

Park Jaehyung from sunny California stays lovestruck about his future soulmate even after he moves to the country his parents are from for university. He originally planned on staying local for university. However, there was a nudge in his heart to go to Korea and he knew that was a sign of the man upstairs bringing him toward his soulmate, so he applied, packed his bags and left. His parents didn’t argue as they also wanted him to find his soulmate smoothly.

It’s already his third year in university and there’s no clear signs of his soulmate around him, but he doesn’t let himself get _too_ bothered by it as he has amazing friends around him.

There’s Park Sungjin, a pharmaceutical sciences major and the same year as him. He’s one of the most responsible and caring friends Jae has ever had. They met when they had a humanities class together their first year for an elective course. Jae fell asleep in class one day after pulling an all nighter the previous night, his head landing on Sungjin’s shoulder. It was awkward, but definitely a good laugh that they ended up exchanging numbers and becoming friends.

There’s also Kim Wonpil, a nursing major and a year younger than him. Jae can’t forget him even if he tried. Sungjin and Wonpil are in the same pre-medicine organization together and one day Sungjin was hanging out with Wonpil when Jae called saying he had an emergency. Sungjin ran over and brought Wonpil along. It turned out that Jae was just hungry and needed a friend to eat with, making Sungjin extremely upset but the younger had a good laugh about it. Wonpil now won’t leave Jae alone and constantly bothers him, in which Jae yells at Sungjin that this is all his fault.

Yoon Dowoon is also a year younger than Jae and he’s a computer engineering major. He may be just a year younger, but Jae can’t resist babying him every chance he gets. A year ago, Jae’s laptop broke on him (probably from a virus since Jae often downloaded games for free on sketchy websites) so he had to send it to the store to get it fixed. During that time, he found himself at the university computer labs to get homework done, but of course, as Jae is bad with technology, the computer shuts down on him right when he’s almost done. Jae freaks out as the deadline is in a few hours. He calls over IT and of course, it’s Dowoon who comes by as he works at the university IT department as a part time job. Dowoon easily fixes the situation and manages to retrieve all of Jae’s work. Jae is so grateful that he promises Dowoon he will treat him to a meal.

Lastly, there is Kang Younghyun or Brian or BriBri or whatever Jae decides to call him for the day. That’s his best friend in the entire country, maybe even the entire world (Sorry, Sammy). Brian and Jae have been roommates since their first day at school and haven’t separated since. The two of them are not only the same year, but the same major as well, business administration. They clicked immediately. Jae, making a rash decision to go to Korea without the best Korean language skills, felt grateful to God that Brian, an English speaker, was his roommate. It turned out that they had the same classes and Brian helped him a lot to translate the Korean words he didn’t know. This led to them signing up for the same classes every semester as it’s a better motivation to go to class when you have a friend there.

There are other friends he meets as well. There’s Jamie, Eric and Kevin who he meets in his other elective classes as whenever Jae hears English speakers he gets very excited. Jaebum and Mark are friends he meets through Brian, Jaebum being a childhood friend and Mark being Jaebum’s roommate. Jinyoung and Jackson are friends he meets through Wonpil, Jinyoung being a friend in Wonpil’s major and Jackson being his roommate his first year. They’re all very nice and he loves his core group of friends, but the back of his mind always wonders where his soulmate is.

  


“Brian, did you buy books for our classes yet?” Jae jumps onto their shared couch in the living room after washing up and getting out of bed. The other’s eyes are glued to the TV watching some anime series, not even batting an eye toward his roommate’s presence.

“No, I was waiting to talk to you about it first. One of our classes this semester requires an access code for the homework assignments online though. I looked it up and it’s cheaper for us to buy the textbooks that have the code rather than one of us buying one book, sharing that book, and the other person buying the individual access code,” Brian says monotone, still focused on the TV.

Jae smiles as he gets back up, “Wow, you really are the man of my dreams just taking care of stuff like that. I’ll make you some breakfast as a somewhat reward for being a homie.”

Brian rolls his eyes, “You mean warming up frozen food? No thanks. I’m going out with Jaebum and Mark later for brunch. Wanna come with? After I’m done with this episode, that is.”

“Hell yeah! Fuck frozen food,” Jae throws the container back in the freezer, “I’ll get dressed and you probably should too.”

“What’s wrong with this?” Brian looks at his current outfit of a t-shirt and sweats, “It’s not like I’m trying to impress someone. It’s just those two and you.”

Jae walks over and points to the cheese stain on his roommate’s t-shirt, “When was the last time you washed this? C’mon. At least change your shirt.”

Brian groans as he gets up, “Fine. I will.”

The two walk back into their room and find clothes to wear. This is them normally. Two friends sharing an apartment together, taking the same classes and having the same friends. At first, people assumed it would be suffocating for them and advised them to do other things and have a sense of individuality. They argued that they did have a sense of individuality. It wasn’t like they refused to go out without the other, but rather it wasn’t hard at all to do things together. Maybe there were some times where Jae would go out and Brian would stay at home or vice versa. It didn’t bother them either way.

  
  


“Took you two long enough,” Mark scoffs as he watches Jae and Brian sit in front of him and Jaebum fifteen minutes later than the agreed time.

“If Jae wasn’t being picky, we would’ve left earlier,” Brian groans as looks at the menu.

“He has literally no clean laundry. I’m sorry if I want my friend to have decency when he walks out of the apartment. His t-shirt had a two day old cheese stain on it from nachos,” Jae flicks Brian’s forehead which earns him a glare from his roommate, but he ignores it, “Sorry for being considerate. It’s only the first week of school. I don’t understand where all your clothes went.”

“I forgot most of my clothes back home, okay? My dad’s gonna send them later.” Brian glares at Jae, “It’s not like you were gonna let me borrow one of your shirts anyway.”

“You should have your own clothes, y--”

“Settle down, you two.” Jaebum laughs as he watches the two minorly bicker, “Just hurry up and order. Mark and I ordered just before you guys came in.”

Brian looks at Jaebum and squints, “By the way, I thought you only like Korean food. Why did you agree to eating at an American brunch restaurant? That’s so unlike you.”

“I let Mark decide because he said he has something important to tell us,” Jaebum shrugs, “Besides, I don’t hate other foods, I just prefer Korean food.”

Jae blinks at the two in front of him, “Something important? Is it okay that I’m here then? I can leave if you want me to.”

Mark shakes his head, “I was a little concerned, but we cool, Jae. Socal bros gotta stay close, you know.” He fistbumps the other across the table.

“So what is it?” Brian puts down the menu and looks at Mark intently, “I’m curious to find out now.”

“After the food comes, I’ll speak. Don’t worry. Let’s just relax for now and enjoy the peacefulness of not having a lot of assignments.”

  
  


The food comes in and the three immediately glance towards Mark, who motions them to eat a little more and not to rush his news. They start eating, but they occasionally glance up. It’s obvious that Mark is a bit nervous about what he has to say.

“So, I found out who my soulmate is,” Mark blurts out halfway through the meal, causing all three of his friends to choke on his food.

“You, WHAT?” Jaebum coughs out, taking a huge gulp of water and slamming his cup down, “How did you even find out? What the hell, Mark?”

“It’s not that simple. I fucking hate his guts,” Mark groans, poking at his pancakes, “I don’t know how we can be soulmates. We’re literally opposites.”

“Oh my god,” Brian quiets his voice as he wipes his mouth with a napkin, “It’s Jackson, isn’t it?”

Mark stays quiet and doesn’t make eye contact, silently nodding with a sigh.

“I would’ve never suspected this. Holy crap,” Jae’s eyes widen in disbelief, “How did you find out?”

“Well, you know, when I’m not influenced by _his_ emotions. I’m not the most outgoing guy ever. I just enjoy keeping to myself and sitting at home. I noticed it whenever I was around him, usually when we would all hang out or whatever. I would come into the situation feeling quite mellow, but as soon as Jackson starts getting rowdy, I feel myself getting riled up too, even without alcohol. I was, and still am, annoyed, but that wasn’t the deciding factor,” Mark takes a deep breath, “It was last night.”

The three of them don’t say a word, listening intently.

“So, Jackson and I are doing the same internship program this year since we’re both computer science majors right? Yesterday was our orientation and the office wanted to eat out and drink to welcome all the interns. Of course, we couldn’t possibly say no, so we went. I stayed closer to other interns and not him because you know, I don’t enjoy being around him for long periods of time. So, we’re eating and drinking and as our seniors get more and more drunk, they start talking a lot more. No one’s really talking to me, but I can feel the surge of uncomfortableness. I was having a great time beforehand, eating in peace, but I just _feel_ it. I look over to where Jackson is and I can see a bunch of our seniors pressing him about something. I don’t know what because I can’t hear them, but since these are our seniors, on the outside, he looks completely fine and it looks like they’re just having normal conversation. However, this is making me feel really uncomfortable the more it goes on and I don’t like it. So, I get up and step in. I smile and look at the people talking to Jackson and tell them that Jackson and I need to leave because of a friend emergency. I apologize and drag Jackson out of the restaurant and as much as Jackson complains and is confused, as soon as we step outside, I feel his-- no, _our_ emotional relief.”

“What did Jackson tell you?” Brian asks with a half-full mouth of food.

“He first asks me what the hell is going on and if there is actually something wrong with Wonpil. I say no of course not and tell him I knew he was in an uncomfortable situation so I took him out of it. He said there was no way I could’ve heard what they were talking about to know and I said I just knew. I… knew in my heart at that point that he is my soulmate, but I didn’t want to admit it just yet, so I left and here we are.”

Jaebum immediately smacks Mark’s head, “Seriously? Why didn’t you sort it out with him and tell him you guys are soulmates? You know Jackson’s an idiot and won’t figure it out until it’s right in front of him!”

“He’s annoying and I hate his guts. Do you really think I want to spend more time with him and come to terms with him being the man I have to spend the rest of my life with? HELL NO. I’ll wait until he figures it out himself and then deal with it,” Mark crosses his arms and huffs.

Jae sighs, “Do you know how many people wish they could find their soulmates right now and you just want to avoid him? Mark, what the hell.”

Mark furrows his eyebrows, “I’m sorry, but you always romanticize how your soulmate is going to be the best and you’re going to find out the most amazing way, but take it from me and realize sometimes shit doesn’t turn out the way you want it to be,” he takes a deep breath, “We’ve talked about this before. You and I had the same premonition you did about coming to this country. For all you know, this same unexpected shit can happen to you, so don’t fuck with me right now. Please.”

Jae goes silent, not really sure how to reply. He’s frustrated for sure that Mark wouldn’t want to be with his soulmates as soon as possible, but he knows he can’t convince him to say anything.

“So you’re just not gonna do anything about this?” Brian hesitantly asks, scared to get snarked at like Jae, “Just gonna let it simmer like this?”

Mark nods, “Yeah. I needed to tell someone about this so that’s why I asked you guys to come out for brunch, but if he asks you guys anything, please feign ignorance.”

“I just hope that everything will turn out okay,” Jaebum says quietly, Jae and Brian voicing in agreement before finishing the rest of their meal.

  
  


The rest of the brunch goes smoothly. They grab some tea at a nearby shop and head their separate ways. Mark wants to get his mind off things by going to a PC room and playing games for hours. Jaebum has other plans with his friends from his major. Since it’s the first week of classes, there isn’t much work to do so Jae and Brian just head home. They sit on the couch just as before they went out. Brian put on some random movie that seems mildly interesting on Netflix just to pass time, but Jae’s mind is still in thought.

“If Mark found his soulmate, I should find mine too right?” he mutters quietly, not expecting Brian to hear it because he seems too immersed into the movie, but his roommate pauses and looks at him.

“Is that seriously what you got out of all that today?” Brian’s eyebrows furrow, “I knew you were love sick but--”

“No, of course I understood the whole story. It just seems like Mark has his mind made up so we can’t really argue there, but…” Jae sighs heavily, “I don’t know man. I’ve been waiting for this my entire life. I’ve been so excited since I found out about soulmates and I get this premonition that she’s here, but there seems to be nothing. The fact that Mark found his just makes me on edge.”

Brian rubs his face as he thinks of his response, “It’ll happen one way or another, everyone always tells you this. I don’t know why you stress out about something you can’t control. I haven’t found my soulmate either but I’m not worried.”

“Well, sorry for wanting this so much. I must sound annoying to you to be constantly like this,” Jae frowns, looking at his hands on his lap.

“Dude, I’m just telling you to not worry about it. That’s all.” Brian sighs, putting his arm casually around his roommate, “Whoever your soulmate is will be the luckiest person in the world, but it’ll happen when the time is right.”

Jae nods slowly, sinking into the couch, “You’re right. Of course you’re right. This is why we work well together. You always have the right things to say.”

“You always know how to flatter me,” Brian chuckles, leaning back on the couch and getting more comfortable.

The taller hums in response and closes his eyes, exhausted and Brian can’t help but feel tired too. He softly pats his roommate’s shoulder until he falls asleep as well.


	2. this world is all sorts of fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is how it is and they hate it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that when it's young k's point of view i will address him as younghyun, but his friends will still call him brian!!

There’s a lot of things Kang Younghyun has learned to love about his life at the moment. For example, he actually loves his choice of major and what he’s studying. Marketing is quite fun especially, but he doesn’t say that often because he doesn’t want to seem like a nerd. His friends are some of the most enjoyable and caring people to be around, especially his best friend that he shares a small apartment with. Being back home in Korea after being in a foreign country after four years is also refreshing. Everything is running smoothly just like he wants it to be.

However, he can’t help but admit that he sometimes takes for granted all these wonderful things and finds himself crashing down. University gets stressful and sometimes he feels like dropping out. He occassionally misses the friends he made back in Canada. Whenever Jae rambles on and on about wanting to find his soulmate (which he does quite frequently, especially since Jae feels safe telling Younghyun just about _everything_ ), he gets a bit nervous, sometimes not even sure if he really feels his soulmate.

It used to be that Younghyun felt his soulmate’s emotions frequently, just how it should be. Usually, it was excited and happy when he would be sad and other days it would be the opposite. However, it was always there. It’s a known fact that your soulmate’s emotions are usually a simple background (but still noticeable) emotion that you feel, but the more intense their emotions are, the more you feel them. It worries Younghyun that he simply doesn’t feel anything for certain amounts of time and it makes him worry about his soulmate, hoping they’re not going through anything that makes them feel lifeless (also hoping they’re _alive_ in general, but he doesn’t like saying that part because he doesn’t want to jinx it).

Younghyun knows that if he wasn’t always around Jae, he wouldn’t have these thoughts all the time, but Jae just easily influenced him like that. It doesn’t make him want to stray away from Jae though. Jae is still an important person in his life that he’ll deal with these worries stemming from Jae’s consistent rambles any day.

When Younghyun moved back to Korea after four years of being away, he was worried and nervous. His memories of Korea before were dark and cold, which is why he left. However, he knew he couldn’t continue running away from the country that meant so much to him that he had to come back and rewrite his emotions so that they will be happier.

So when he walked into his small dorm room and saw Jae smiling at him, he already knew at that moment that everything will be okay. Jae instantly made him feel at ease the way he casually talked to him. It seemed to be magic how easily they clicked that he didn’t care that Jae still called him “Brian” and spread his English name to use of all their mutual friends despite the small bickers about how much he loved his Korean name.

It’s okay because it’s Jae and Jae has been such a positive influence in his life that he doesn’t care.

 

After having brunch with Jae, Jaebum and Mark, the day quickly goes by with Younghyun claiming the living room couch and television. Mark texts the groupchat around night time.

 

_somebody once told me th (3)_

**Mark [8:20pm]:**

have i mentioned how much i hate this group chat name bc i hate it

**Brian [8:21pm]:**

all star is a masterpiece and you know it if i could fit all the lyrics into the gc name i would’ve

**Jaebum [8:23pm]:**

i dont even know english and i hate it

but whats up bro

**Mark [8:25pm]:**

yall free to go out and drink tonight?

i know i just saw you guys but i got bored of gaming and i also know brian hates drinking on nights before classes so we cant do tomorrow

**Jaebum [8:26pm]:**

sure im free in an hour?

**Brian [8:26pm]:**

same im down jae’s hanging out with kevin, jamie and eric rn so i was just planning on watching anime for the rest of the night

**Mark [8:30pm]:**

cool same spot in like an hour and a half from now!!

 

Younghyun groans once he puts down his phone. As much as getting out of the apartment is nice, especially before school gets hectic, he just wants to finish at least three anime series before studying commences. However, time passes by and he finds himself being the first one at their usual drinking spot near campus. It’s not a surprise that he’s the first one, but he does find himself a little grumpy that he is. He actually thought he would be late as he arrived fifteen minutes later than what they agreed upon. Mark and Jaebum come not too later, apologizing for being late. Younghyun says it’s fine but immediately starts pouring shots for them.

“How was hanging out with your music friends?” Mark hums after he takes about his third shot.

Jaebum shrugs, “Same old, same old. They’re kinda obnoxious and make me anxious especially when they talk about future plans and stuff but networking is important, so I continue suffering.”

“Networking, wow what an adult you are. Can’t believe we’re third years already,” Younghyun chuckles to himself, feeling the warmth of the alcohol in his throat, “Seems like just yesterday I was coming over every so often to translate your petty fights.”

Mark laughs loudly as he reminisces, “I really hated Jaebum back then. I would call him a dumb assfuck and you would look at me confused, not sure how to translate.”

“Yeah, I just translated it as idiot and called it a day,” Younghyun calls over the worker for another bottle.

Jaebum chuckles before taking another shot, “Those were the days, huh. I feel old.”

“Why did you want to drink by the way? Is it about Jackson still?” Brian raises a brow as he opens the new bottle.

Mark nods with a sad look on his face, “Yeah, games couldn’t distract me for long. I just, I don’t know this soulmate shit makes me so fucking mad.”

“It’ll be okay, Mark.” Jaebum tries to reassure but Mark just snaps out of nowhere.

“No, Jaebum. It won’t because it’s Jackson Wang and I have no emotional connection with that guy!” Mark angrily takes another shot, “It sucks because I have feelings for someone else. Someone so fucking ideal and someone who really understands me. We were even starting to get kind of serious, but now I don’t even have the heart to talk to him after finding out about this because why? I have to listen to the fucking universe and go with someone I don’t give a single fuck about? It doesn’t make sense.”

Before Jaebum and Younghyun can think of words to reply, Mark quietly speaks, his head looking straight down at the table, “It’s Jinyoung.”

“I’m not surprised,” Jaebum laughs softly, “I’m your roommate. I see the way you look at him. I just didn’t want to assume so I never said anything.”

“I knew from the start Jinyoung and I weren’t soulmates, but this whole thing just still doesn’t make sense.” The two can’t see Mark’s face with his bangs hanging down, but they both see the water droplets falling onto the table, “What’s the point of love with all this soulmate stuff? Why did the universe allow people to have crushes and connections with people when we have this _destined_ soulmate? All it leads to is heartache and confusion. Fuck. I’ve read the stories of people online being unsatisfied of their soulmate and I don’t want that for me but it really feels like it will.”

Younghyun puts his hand on Mark’s arm and rubs gently, “It really will be okay, dude. If anything, I’m not even sure if my soulmate exists so we can be confused and lonely together.”

“You still don’t feel anything?” Jaebum asks only for Younghyun to shake his head.

“I felt a small ting of nervousness earlier today, but this is the first time in weeks. When I went back home during the break, I tried going to the doctor again to see what was wrong. They said my emotions might just be muddled with theirs that I can’t detect a difference but I’m not so sure if I believe it.” Younghyun purses his lips, “He also told me of people hallucinating their soulmate’s emotions when their soulmate doesn’t exist or has died and I’m really hoping that’s not me but I’m not too sure.”

It gets quiet for a bit, the two not sure how to reply to Younghyun’s situation since it’s something they’ve never imagined for themselves. They’ve known that he’s had this problem for a while now and every time it always leads to words like “it’ll be okay” or “you never know” and they know Younghyun’s tired of hearing that.

If Younghyun’s honest, he gets really nervous about this. The thought of dying alone and soulmate-less scares him. He wants to talk about it more, but he feels like he’s cried about it enough.

 

\---

The first time he realized something was wrong was when Sungjin and Wonpil found out they were soulmates towards the middle of the first semester of their second year. Their group of five was going to celebrate and grab some drinks together, but Jae was going to be a little bit late because he promised he’d help Jamie with her project.

“Seeing these two assholes together makes me wonder where my soulmate is,” Dowoon huffs, already a little bit tipsy after a beer or two.

“Same here,” Younghyun sighs before finishing his second drink.

Wonpil frowns, pouring Younghyun another glass, “When was the last time you guys felt your soulmate’s emotions? Maybe that’ll be a hint.”

“Like the other day? They seem happy that’s about it. I wish it was just staring right in front of me.” Dowoon rests his head on the table.

Sungjin nudges Younghyun, “And what about you, Kangbra?”

Younghyun stares at his drink in thought. It should have been recent, right? There must’ve been something but the more he backtracks his memories he realizes there hasn’t been anything in weeks, maybe months.

“I-I don’t know. I haven’t felt anything,” Younghyun one shots his glass of beer, “Like I can’t remember the last time I have.”

Sungjin puts his hand on Younghyun’s arm, “Try not to get worked up over it. Maybe you should consult a doctor about this.”

Wonpil and Dowoon nod in agreement tight lipped. Jae comes in a seconds after screaming about how happy he is for his two close friends, completely changing the atmosphere back to something lighter. Sungjin takes one last glance at Younghyun, but Younghyun shoos it off.

 

This eats up at Younghyun, getting excited over every little emotion he feels and feeling upset every time he doesn’t. Jae is really supportive and makes sure that Younghyun doesn’t get too sad. However, whenever he gets drunk, Younghyun just tells everyone which is how Mark and Jaebum ended up finding out.

Everyone tells him he should try to consult a doctor, but he’s scared of it being a reality. He’s scared to hear news that he doesn’t want to hear so he stays in the dark. People also try to tell him that if he doesn’t have a soulmate that he can always find someone else who is soulmate-less, in which he replies with “how many people do you know that don’t have a soulmate?” and they all shut up because no one knows anyone else besides possibly him.

It kills himself inside and he finds himself crying at night when Jae is fast asleep and no one knows except his pillow.

 

Younghyun really wasn’t going to go to a doctor, but when he told his dad about the situation, his dad forced him to go. He understands as Younghyun is an only child, the only one to continue their family line so of course he’d be concerned (there is also the whole “I care about the well being of my child” reason but Younghyun omits that one).

Of course, with his dad at work, Younghyun goes alone. He was planning on calling up his friends from Toronto to come with, but he doesn’t. It’s not often that he’s back and he wants the memories with his friends to be happy since they don’t come often. Terry, his closest friend back home, would probably be upset with him if he found out about this, but Younghyun doesn’t think about it.

So, there Younghyun sits at the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to come in. He still doesn’t understand how a doctor is supposed to help with all this considering there’s no way to detect his soulmate physically, but that’s what everyone said to do so he’s here.

“Mr. Brian Kang?” the doctor reads from his clipboard as he comes into the room, “You’re here because of soulmate issues, correct? It says here that you don’t feel your soulmate’s emotions. How long have you been having issues?”

Younghyun nods, “I noticed this problem almost a year ago, but when I noticed it, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt them so it’s been probably longer.”

“Do you feel them at all or is it spotty?” the doctor asks as he writes on his clipboard.

“Very minimally. Maybe like once every couple of weeks, sometimes more spread out.” Younghyun can’t help but frown at his situation.

“Okay, I’m just gonna check to see if you’re healthy first. Smooth heartbeat, good reflexes, that kind of stuff,” the doctor grabs the stethoscope hanging from the wall, putting it under Younghyun’s shirt, “Breath in and out normally.”

He does as the doctor says until he removes the stethoscope, “What does this have to do with my soulmate issues?”

“Sometimes if your physical condition isn’t well, you might not be able to sense your soulmate as well. We’ll be doing a good thorough check to make sure you’re okay.”

The doctor continues to check Younghyun’s well being, even having him go into another room to do some x-rays, but at the end of the checkup Younghyun is shown to be in a healthy condition.

“I usually congratulate people for being in good health, but I know that’s not what you came here for. There’s only a few other explanations I can give you. One of them is that your own emotions might be muddled with your soulmates. This happens a lot when you tend to have the same emotions as them. If you two correspond a lot, it might just seem like your emotions,” the doctor puts down his clipboard and leans back on the wall, “Another one could be that your soulmate could not be in a good condition right now, either a coma or just going through some other heavy sickness. The third, which I don’t wish for you, is that sometimes people hallucinate their soulmate’s emotions when they either don’t exist or have died. I do really think it’s the first explanation though.”

Younghyun feels his heart drop at the doctor’s words. It feels all too much. The difference between the first explanation and the second and the third is too drastic for him to have hope. He puts his hands to his face as he takes deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“I’m really sorry. I hope that everything goes well,” the doctor says as he walks out the door.

It takes Younghyun a few minutes before he feels emotionally stable enough to drive back home, but _fuck_ is he devastated.

\---

 

With Younghyun lost in thought of his situation, he barely realizes that Mark and Jaebum have begun to change the conversation.

“Since both of you haven’t found your soulmates, have you guys ever had a crush on anyone?” Mark looks up for the first time in a while, “I don’t think we’ve ever talked about this before.”

Jaebum shakes his head, “Nope. I’ve found people attractive and had some flings but that’s about it.”

“Well, I’ve had one or two crushes, but nothing as of recently,” Younghyun says lightheartedly, only to be concerned with the confused looks on his friends’ faces.

“Really? I would’ve sworn otherwise.” Mark places his shot glass back on the table as Jaebum hums in agreement.

Younghyun’s eyebrows furrow, “Why is that so hard to believe?”

Jaebum shrugs, “Always felt like you had a crush on Jae or something like that. I think a lot of people actually think that because you two are always together and get along so well.”

“Jae?!” Younghyun yells a bit too loud in shock. Immediately realizing it, he lowers his voice. “We’re just best friends. It’s hard not to be around each other when we’re the same major and roommates. Besides, he’s like the straightest guy I know and you all know that.”  

“Sexuality doesn’t always stop feelings,” Mark hums as he takes yet another shot, “You could maybe be his gay awakening that he needs.”

Jaebum laughs as he agrees, “I’ve seen it happen before, Brian,” he nudges Younghyun teasingly, “It would be cute. You and Jae. Actually, I don’t think much would change because of how the two of you act.”

“Seriously,” Mark pours shots for the three of them, “Like today with the whole inviting him to brunch thing? I really didn’t mind, but bringing him along easily could have different implications.”

“My soulmate isn’t Jae. It can’t be Jae. That’s fucking ridiculous.” Younghyun finds himself getting worked up and frustrated.

Not noticing Younghyun’s mood, Jaebum continues to tease the other, “Never said anything about soulmates. You could just have a crush or just wanna fuck, either or.”

Mark laughs along but Younghyun changes the mood as he doesn’t like the way this conversation is going “Can you guys just drop it,” Younghyun grits his teeth, “It’s not like that between me and him. Jae’s my best friend and that’s it.”

“I’m sorry, we’ll stop,” Jaebum frowns, Mark apologizing as well. The now slightly awkward atmosphere and the expression on their faces makes Younghyun feel extremely guilty.

“It’s fine. Let’s just talk about something else, yeah?” The other two agree and the conversation switches to something more lighthearted but Younghyun can’t ignore the distaste in his throat from their words.

 

At this hour, Younghyun’s mind is extremely fuzzy due to the alcohol. With the whole him liking Jae conversation, his discomfort led him to drink more than usual. His usual is a lot too, but today was just a little over the top. Jaebum and Mark wanted to call Jae to pick him up, but Younghyun refused since the place wasn’t too far from his apartment. He barely made his way back only to realize that he forgot his keys. His phone is also dead so he has no choice but to loudly knock on the door until his roommate wakes up. It takes a minute or two but the door opens only to show sleepy Jae.

Without thinking, Younghyun collapses onto Jae, the dazed taller barely catching him. “Ssssorry, Jae,” he mumbles.

“Wow, how much did you drink? You reek of alcohol. Let’s get you to bed,” Jae pats Younghyun’s back before pulling him inside, “I was a bit worried at first because I came home and the door was unlocked and you weren’t home.”

Younghyun’s barely able to walk, thankful for Jae to be holding him up. “You’re my best friend, Jae,” he slurs, putting a bit more emphasis on “friend”. “You know that, right? Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Jae chuckles, “Of course I know that, silly.”

“Who needs a fucking soulmate? I DON’T,” Younghyun drunkenly laughs, spitting as he speaks half his words, “I probably don’t have one anyway. It’s FINE.”

His roommate sighs before patting his back, “You don’t mean that.”

Without anything to respond back, it gets a bit quiet. They’re halfway to the bedroom when Younghyun stops, “I think I need to throw up,” he covers his mouth with his hand right after.

Wide eyed, Jae runs to the bathroom and drags his drunk friend along. Younghyun is barely able to make it to the toilet. Jae stays behind him and rubs his back as he throws up.

“Geez, Brian. Why did you drink so much? You usually don’t drink enough to throw up, always saying ‘I’m not a bitch who throws up.’” Jae says in his best Younghyun impression, which is terrible but the other doesn’t have the energy to say so.

After a moment, his head rests on his arm, propped up on the toilet seat, “Jaebum and Mark got me annoyed so I just kept going. I didn’t even realize how much I was drinking until the last few moments,” he barely makes out, his body weak.

Jae doesn’t question why Younghyun got annoyed but continues rubbing his back for the next thirty or so minutes. Younghyun feels bad that he’s keeping Jae awake but his soft touch helps his alcohol ridden body feel better that he can’t refuse.

Once Younghyun feels ready to get up, Jae has him quickly brush his teeth and puts him to bed, getting back into his bed himself.

“What time is it?” Younghyun asks, somehow still awake.

“Four in the morning,” Jae softly replies, “You should get some sleep.”

The other frowns, looking into the darkness across the room that is Jae, “I’m sorry. I know you have to be up early for church and I--”

“Dude, don’t worry about it. Best friend duties, right?” Jae softly chuckles.

The other finds himself smiling, “Thanks, Jae, but don’t curse at me in a couple hours when you have to get up and I’m asleep.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jae groans, “That was one time I decided to complain. Leave me alone and go to bed, loser.”

The laughs come to a close and Younghyun quickly drifts off to sleep afterwards. The loud snores filling the room after an eventful day that’ll continue to peck at him for the next couple weeks.


	3. worried about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jae tends to overthink a lot, but it's out of good spirit as he just cares about the people close to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not 100% sure of how the korean university academic calendar works, but from what i saw online spring semester starts from march to june and fall starts from august to december so i'm following that in this fic.

Jae remembers the first time he  _ really _ felt his soulmate’s emotions. Before this moment, he felt small bursts of emotion but this was the first time that he felt his soulmate affecting himself drastically. 

It’s around the time he is thirteen years old, an eighth grader without many cares other than cute girls and his evil math teacher. He wakes up at seven in the morning just like every school day, but today he has tears in his eyes. Today, he feels extremely emotional and just…  _ sad.  _ He doesn’t understand it as he doesn’t remember his dream being upsetting and life hasn’t been terrible either.

Jae can hear his mom yelling at him to get out of bed and get ready for school, but he doesn’t feel like getting ready. It’s not the rebellious ‘I hate school’ teenager in him, but he just doesn’t have the motivation to get out of bed. All he can do is let the tears fall down his face without any reason his mind. His mom comes up the stairs, ready to yell at him as she opens the door, but she stops once she sees his face.

“Jae, honey? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” She walks inside his room and wipes his tears away. 

Jae shakes his head with a frown on his face, “I-I don’t know. I just woke up and I felt extremely sad and I don’t know what’s going on.” 

His mom gets him to sit up on his bed and hugs him right away, “It might just be your soulmate. She must be going through something heartbreaking that you can feel it too.” 

The boy wraps his arms around his mom, his head leaning on her as his tears fall again, “I hope she’s okay. If I can feel this, then she must be going dealing with so much more. I wish I could be there to comfort her.” 

“You will one day,” Jae’s mom looks at her son and smiles as she wipes his tears once again, “I can’t wait for the day you two meet. I’ll call your school and tell them you’re sick today, okay? Just watch TV and try your best to change your mood.” 

Jae weakly nods and watches as his mom walks out of his room and closes the door. He immediately sinks back into bed, pulling his blanket over his face. It’s overbearing and extremely emotional at the moment, but he can’t help but feel the faintest bit excited that his soulmate exists and her emotions are real. 

  
  


The boy assumes it won’t be long until he got his emotions in control, but it takes a lot longer. The overwhelming sadness controls him for days, weeks (two to be exact). His mom has no choice but to push him to go to school because there’s only so many sick days he can take before he gets held back a year. She tries explaining his situation to the principal, but as much as the situation is reasonable and understandable, it can not be allowed for him to skip school any longer if it is not a medical reason.  

The first day Jae comes back to class, everyone has heard about what has happened to him and is dying to ask him questions as hardly anyone his age has experienced their soulmate’s emotions like he has. He wishes he could answer all of them as they ask him what it feels like and how has it been, but he doesn’t have the energy. No matter how much he sleeps (which he has  _ a lot _ ), he feels so tired. 

His teachers let him sit in the back of his classes, knowing his situation. He tries his best to focus and take notes, but it’s hard to stay focused. Jae finds himself doodling on his notes, just anything random. There are times where he dozes off but it’s never for too long. 

“Want some ice cream?” Sammy waves the ice cream bar in front of Jae’s face after getting out of class, “It might make you feel a bit better.”

Jae shakes his head, “It’s okay. I’ve had a lot of ice cream the past two weeks. Thanks though.” 

“You wanna maybe play some badminton? Or--” 

“I just want to go home, bro,” Jae sighs, immediately feeling bad for cutting the other off, “I’m sorry. I know it’s been a while since we talked or hung out, but I just don’t have the energy. It’s already hard going to school.”

His best friend nods, unable to hide the sadness in his face, “I understand. I’ll walk you home at least.”

“That would be nice,” Jae smiles softly as he did miss his best friend too during the past two weeks. He listens as Sammy catches him up on all the drama, not really responding to him and just letting him ramble. Being in class he did feel like he missed out a lot, but having Sammy tell him everything that happened makes it feel more real. Some of his classmates have broken up and gotten together. His math teacher is still very evil (despite her being really nice to him today). The walk is quick and suddenly they’re in front of Jae’s house. 

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jae hums, turning to head inside. 

“Wait,” Sammy says with a serious tone, causing Jae to turn back around, “No, never mind.”

Jae furrows his eyebrows, “What’s up dude? You can tell me anything and you know that.” 

“It’s okay. I’ll just tell you on a day you feel better, so feel better soon, okay?” Sammy smiles to reassure the other that nothing is wrong.

“You and I both know it’s not up to me, but whatever you say.” 

His best friend nods and Jae goes inside. He peeks through the window and watches at his best friend goes back home before he crashes back into bed.

 

Sammy tells him what he wanted to say much later on, way after Jae feels better, but that’s a story for another time. 

 

The days slowly get better and Jae starts to feel more and more like himself. It takes him another week to feel happy and another week after that to be able to have the energy to go out with his friends and do the things he usually does. It’s an unforgettable month for Jae and he wishes that he can look back on this experience with his soulmate one day. 

It’s because of this that he starts to keep a journal around him, writing every emotion he’s felt from his soulmate that when the day comes that they meet, he’ll know for sure who it is. 

\---

  
  
  


It’s the third week of classes and Jae is sitting at a table with Sungjin and Wonpil being lovey dovey as Brian grabs their Starbucks drinks and Dowoon is running late. They all managed to have a gap during the same time so they figured they would spend those two hours together studying or doing whatever. As much as Jae loves his two friends in front of him, he really wishes they could lessen their PDA whenever they’re around other people. He remembers being shocked when the two told their friend group that they were soulmates. However, Dowoon and Brian said it was obvious that they had the hots for each other and them being soulmates wasn’t surprising for them, but Jae would’ve never been able to guess. 

“Here’s an iced mocha for Sungjin and a vanilla latte for Wonpil,” Brian sets down the drink holder on the table, pulling each drink out one by one, “An iced americano for me and, of course, a strawberry smoothie with extra whipped cream for Jae.”

Jae smiles brightly as his best friend hands him the drink, immediately slurping it down. It might be a bit chilly outside, but he can’t resist a good smoothie. 

“Hyung, what about me?” Dowoon whines as he finally gets to the table, “I wanted a drink too.” 

Brian laughs as he puts his arm around the younger casually, “Didn’t you say you were going on a coffee cleanse this year? I didn’t know what to get you.”

Dowoon frowns as he sets his stuff down, “You’re not wrong. I do need to stick to my cleanse but it’s hard. I get coffee withdrawals. It’s especially going to be hard during midterm season.” 

“Might as well cleanse your body now while you don’t need it,” Wonpil adds on, his head resting on Sungjin’s shoulder.

“Who says I don’t need it now? I’m still working at IT and for some reason everyone’s a dumb bitch at the beginning of the semester,” Dowoon groans, sinking into his chair, “It’s so tiring.”

Jae furrows his eyebrows, “I thought you said you were going to quit to focus on classes.” 

“I was, but every time I try to quit they guilt trip me into staying and you know how I’m not good at dealing with those type of situations.” 

“Dowoon…” Sungjin sighs as he looks at the other.

“I know! I’ll try next week or something. Maybe when I’m stressed with projects and midterms it’ll be easier to quit.” Dowoon huffs and Brian continues laughing at the other, patting the top of his head. 

Jae can’t help but notice how touchy Brian is being with Dowoon today. Has it always been like this? He looks at Sungjin and Wonpil and then to Brian and Dowoon and he can’t help but feel the same energy. Is there something here that he didn’t see before or is he overthinking things? He’s probably overthinking things because Brian would tell him if he had something going on with someone, right? Especially if it’s someone Jae knows and is close with. 

Yeah, Jae shouldn’t worry, Brian would definitely tell him if something like that was going on. 

  
  
  


“Is there something going on between you and Dowoon?” Jae blurts out in the middle of their chinese takeout dinner the same day at their apartment, causing Brian to almost spit out his food. The thought has been bothering him all day that he had to ask.

“W-what did you just say? Can you repeat that?” Brian grabs a napkin and wipes his face, looking wide eyed at Jae. 

Jae gets flustered at Brian’s response. “I don’t know man. I saw you being kinda touchy with him today and I remembered how you and Dowoon spotted Sungjin and Wonpil being a thing way before I could ever and I was trying to be a little more observant and I AM RAMBLING and I am sorry.” 

It’s silent for a moment or two before Brian’s laugh fills the room, “You’re funny, Jae. But no, Dowoon and I aren’t a thing. Just friends!” 

“But…”

“I’m touchy with you too, aren’t I? That doesn’t mean anything and you know it,” Brian grabs a piece of chicken with his chopsticks and puts it on Jae’s plate.

“ _ That’s _ different and you know it,” Jae rolls his eyes before picking up the chicken with his own chopsticks, “But you’d tell me if anything like that would happen right? Like honestly, I think the two of you would be cute together too. Maybe there is something there.”

Brian can’t control his expression as he gives a disgusted look, “Me and Dowoon? No way, dude.” 

Jae hums as he chews, putting even more food on his plate, “You never know, bro. He might just be the one. You gotta keep your options open.” 

“Park Jaehyung, I swear to God. Don’t even try anything,” Brian glares at his best friend.

“I didn’t say I’d do anything,” Jae shrugs with a smile on his face.

“Yeah, but I fucking know you, dude.” Brian groans as he puts down his utensils onto his plate, “You’re the type to pull dumb shit like this.” 

Jae puts his hands up in defence, “Hey, I just want my friends to be happy. If I can’t find my soulmate right now, I should at least have the right to play cupid.” 

Brian gets up out of his seat to put his dishes away, “Jae, you’re so aggravating sometimes and I hope you know that.” 

“Yeah, I know. But you know you can’t get rid of me,” Jae smiles cheeky at Brian only to get a disgusted face in return.

“Sadly, I know.”

The conversation changes and dinner time fades into the deep night. When Brian is fast asleep, Jae finds himself overthinking. Brian may have quickly brushed it off at the time, but Jae knows about Brian’s soulmate stress. Hell, he can remember that phone call over the break a few weeks ago as clear as a summer day. 

 

\---

Back home in sunny California, well not so sunny considering it’s January, Jae lays in his childhood bed. His parents are at work and all his friends are busy with internships or classes so he has nothing really to do. He’s playing some game on his phone trying to distract himself from depressing background emotions when he gets a call from Brian. 

Jae answers the call right away. “Hello?” 

“J-Jae…” 

The tone in Brian’s voice is distinctly in pain and Jae immediately shoots up from bed, sitting up, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

He can hear Brian take a couple of deep breaths before he speaks, “I’m sitting in my car right now. I finally went to the doctor because my dad pushed me to and  _ fuck,  _ FUCK, I just hate everything and I didn’t know who else to call.” 

Jae can almost feel the pain coming through the phone. He’s known Brian’s been struggling with this and it hurts to hear his best friend in pain. “I know you don’t want to hear that everything will be okay, so I won’t say it, but I’ll listen to everything you have to say.” 

Brian takes another second to breathe, the silence killing Jae inside. 

“I might not have a soulmate.” 

Jae’s eyes go wide hearing those words. He stammers to think of a response that he only says, “Oh my god, Brian.” quietly but with deep concern. 

“I know I should think positive. I really do, but my whole life up until this point I thought I had a soulmate and now to not be sure if they even exist? It fucking hurts and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Brian sniffles loudly and all that makes Jae want to do is be there for him. 

Jae gets up and grabs his laptop from his desk, “I’m going to Toronto.” 

Brian pauses once more. “Wait, what?”

“You heard me. This huge emotional bomb just got dropped on you and your best friend isn’t there by your side? No, I’m coming.” Jae opens his laptop and starts searching for flights.

Speaking with a flustered tone, Brian replies, “Jae, no. You don’t have to. I’ll be okay soon enough. I got Terry and the others. Don’t worry about me.”

“Bro. It’s fine. Everyone here back home is busy anyway. I’ll just be there for a week or two,” Jae looks for the cheapest and soonest flight and grins, “See you tomorrow, bestie.” 

“Park Jaehyung, I swear to God. Don’t waste your money o--” 

“This isn’t a waste of money. I want to do this. Plus, I’m bored at home and maybe I kinda miss you,” Jae chuckles, booking the flight and closing his laptop. 

Brian sighs, but Jae knows there’s a small smile on his face at this moment, “Thanks, Jae. Really. I’ve calmed down a bit enough to drive back home. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess.” 

“See you tomorrow.”  

 

Jae’s parents get a bit upset when he tells them of his sudden Toronto trip, half because it’s sudden and half because he may have used their credit card to buy the plane tickets. It’s fine though because Jae doesn’t really care about getting yelled at by his parents considering he’s hardly home anyway. 

His flight is in the early afternoon so his parents can’t take him to the airport. Instead, it’s Sammy dropping him off. 

“I can’t believe you’re just going to Toronto all of a sudden. You’re fucking crazy. Your parents must have yelled at you so much,” Sammy laughs as Jae hops into his car. 

Jae shrugs, “It’s only for a week. If they can deal with me not being home throughout the school year, they can handle this as well. Besides, I have to be there for Brian.” 

“The idea of being soulmate-less is scary enough, so for that to be a potential reality for him, that’s fucking tough,” Sammy sighs, hearing this information last night on the phone when Jae asked him to take him to the airport, “You’re a really good friend.” 

“Thanks,” Jae simply says, making the conversation run dry. They hung out a week or two ago with other friends so there was nothing to really catch up on, so for a while only the music playing in the car is heard.

“Hey, I’m sorry for making things awkward all those years ago,” Sammy doesn’t look at Jae, his eyes still looking at the road, a prominent frown on his face.

Jae looks at Sammy, a bit confused, “What are you talking about?” 

“Don’t play innocent. You know what I’m talking about. We haven’t been the same since and seeing how close you are with that Brian guy makes me a bit sad,” Sammy stops at a red light, taking the moment to look back at Jae, “Makes me remember that we could’ve still been that close.”

“Dude, you don’t need to apologize for that, okay? We’re cool now,” Jae smiles, looking back at the street and nudging Sammy to drive as the light is green. 

Sammy pauses to think, a sigh coming out of his mouth before he speaks again, “Whatever you say, man. Just can’t help but notice this is the first time we’ve hung out one on one since you left for college.” 

Jae thinks as well, not realizing that he hasn’t spent a lot of one on one time with Sammy the past three years. “Has it really? I mean, we still hang out at least with Matthew and McKay and the others.” 

“Yeah, yeah we have,” Sammy says with a bit of bitterness, but Jae doesn’t catch it. 

The airport isn’t much further and soon they’re at the drop offs area. Jae is an hour or so early, hoping that’ll be enough so he doesn’t miss his flight, considering international flights take a lot longer than domestic in terms of security and check ins and all that jazz. Sammy gets out of the car as well, helping Jae with his stuff in the trunk. 

“Do you need me to pick you up too?” Sammy hands Jae his luggage. 

“Nah, my sister said she can pick me up,” Jae smiles as he lifts up the luggage handle, “Thanks for driving me though. I appreciate it.” 

Sammy returns the smile, “It was no problem.” 

Jae starts to walk off and Sammy waves goodbye, but a couple steps in and Jae turns around, “Let’s hang out once I get back. One on one like you said.” 

His childhood friend nods with a big smile, “Sure.” 

They never end up hanging out. 

  
  


Flying back and forth from Seoul and LA makes flying to Toronto a breeze. Sure, the person next to him kept glancing at him weirdly but it was fine. It’s probably because he’s cute is what Jae thinks to himself jokingly.

“I’m here, baby,” Jae grins as he hops into Brian’s beat up car, previously throwing his luggage in the back. 

“I hope you know that you’re ridiculous coming all the way here suddenly,” Brian shakes his head, making sure Jae puts on his seatbelt before driving out of the airport. 

“Did you miss me? Please say you did,” Jae puts on the most obnoxious grin and although Brian has his eyes on the road, he knows that he can see him in the corner of his eye. 

Brian sighs, “I feel obligated to say yes since you came all the way here so yeah, sure I missed you.” 

Jae sinks in his seat with an exaggerated frown, “I don’t like that you feel obligated to say that. You should say it out of love and friendship.”

“I mean you already know. Why do I have to say it?” Brian shrugs, stopping at a red light. 

The other takes the opportunity to reach over and hug his best friend, “AWWW, BRIAN. You’re so sweet.” 

Brian rolls his eyes, only pushing him off when the light turns back to green. Jae catches Brian back up of what’s been going on in his life during the break and Brian just listens until they get to his place, which isn’t too far from the airport. 

This is Jae’s first time visiting Brian in Toronto, so it feels a bit weird that there’s this whole side he doesn’t know about his best friend. Brian’s apartment is small, but he figures with a small family it doesn’t matter too much. He puts his things in Brian’s room, the walls are covered with miscellaneous bands, but other than that, it’s kind of empty. 

“There’s nothing really here since everything is back in our apartment,” Brian says, almost making Jae think he’s psychic for coincidentally responding to his thoughts. 

“It’s fine,” Jae sits on Brian’s desk chair and twirls around, “Can’t complain about free housing, y’know.” 

Brian rolls his eyes as he sits on top of his own bed, “So do you wanna do anything tonight or are we just chilling here? I’m fine with whatever.”

Jae leans back against the chair, “I’m kinda tired from the flight, so we can just chill. Do you have any games?”

“I got like, old stuff, still saving up for that Nintendo Switch.” Brian gets up and crouches down as he tries to look for the games under his bed, when Jae loudly jumps from his seat, startling him,

“Let’s buy one.”

Brian looks at his best friend, furrowing his eyebrows, “Are you insane? Did you win the lottery or something during the break?”

“Nah, but I can help pitch in. I’m gonna use it all the time anyway when we go back to Korea,” Jae grins, “It’s great for parties too.” 

“You easily get distracted with your studies as it is. A Switch is just going to make everything worse and you know it,” Brian chuckles, getting back up off the floor.

Jae scoffs, crossing his arms for a split second, “What are you, my mom? Besides, you were planning on getting it anyway and you  _ know _ I’d ask you if I could play it and of course you would let me because I’d be annoying you about it if you said no.”

Brian grabs his keys and heads to the door, “Fine. Let’s get that fucking Switch.” 

“Yes sir!” Jae has the biggest smile as he gets up out of his seat and follows the other out of the apartment. 

 

With snacks, energy drinks, and a new Nintendo Switch, Jae and Brian stay up the entire night playing games. It’s all part of Jae’s plan to distract his friend a bit from his thoughts. 

“We should probably get to bed,” Brian looks out of his window, the sunlight slipping through the blinds. 

Jae turns to look at it as well, “Wow, I didn’t realize how late it got. This was just a lot of fun.” 

Brian smiles, “Yeah it was a good purchase, but Terry and the others asked if we wanted to go out later so we should sleep a bit.” 

“Dude, I can’t wait to meet them. Okay, I’ll turn it off.” Jae reaches over to turn off the switch as well as Brian’s mini TV, while Brian grabs the air mattress from the living room. 

“I got spare pillows and blankets too, just give me a second,” Brian walks back outside, but Jae just hops onto Brian’s bed instead, the energy drink completely worn off as he feels himself sinking into the bed as if he’s in the clouds.

Brian walks into the room and sighs as he looks at Jae, “Fine. I can sleep on the air mattress.” 

Jae immediately sits up, “No, wait. I was just seeing how you’d react. You can sleep on your bed.”

“Too late. It’s fine,” Brian throws the blanket and pillows onto the mattress, jumping on it right after, “You’re the guest anyway.”

Jae glares at the other who is already turned to the side, ready for bed. He decides not to argue and slips under the blankets, falling asleep as soon as he gets comfortable. The soft snores from the two fill the room and it’s like they’re back in Korea.

  
  


“I just have one note for you before we step out of this car.”

Brian and Jae ended up waking up at 4pm, which led to them getting an early dinner with Brian’s Toronto friends at around 5:30pm. Jae’s wearing one of Brian’s thicker jackets as he didn’t have any of his own for Canada’s cold weather (“So, you, Mr. Jae Park who  _ never _ lets anyone borrow his clothes wants to borrow one of my jackets?” “I left all my thicker jackets in Korea! California isn’t nearly as cold and I had no idea I was going to spontaneously come here! Please?” “Fine.”).

Jae looks at Brian after unbuckling his seatbelt, “I’m all ears, bro.” 

“I haven’t told any of them about my doctor’s appointment so if they ask you why you’re here, don’t say it’s because of that,” Brian presses his lips together as he gently looks at the other. 

“No problem,” Jae pats his best friend’s shoulder, “You’re planning on telling them eventually, right?” 

Brian nods, his expression softening a bit, “Yeah, just not now.” 

“Okay, cool. Let’s go,” Jae opens the door and hops out, the other following his lead and locking his door right after. 

Once they enter the restaurant, Brian’s friends are already there calling him over. Jae can’t help but feel a bit nervous as he wants to make a good impression. He knows that Terry used to be a bit friend jealous of him and Brian last year because Terry and Brian were best friends in high school. If he makes the wrong impression, he knows Terry might think, “wow, this is Brian’s college best friend? He’s a loser” or something along those lines but maybe Jae is overthinking again. 

“Hey guys, this is Jae, my friend from college,” Brian says as the two of them sit down. 

“We fucking know we always see him on your snapchat,” one of them laughs as he reaches across the table to smack Brian’s shoulder lightly. 

“Well, it would be weird if I didn’t introduce him, dumbass,” Brian rolls his eyes at his friend and Jae softly chuckles. 

They order food and then quickly introduce themselves one by one to Jae. There’s Terry, of course, as well as Don, Sean, Sonny, and Josh. He recognizes most of their faces as he’s seen Brian’s pictures of them on his desk and the singing videos they did in high school. Terry’s very tall, which means something if Jae’s the one saying it, and it intimidates him just a bit. The others seem really nice as they’re all smiley. 

“So what brings you to Toronto?” Terry hums as he looks at Jae’s direction. 

Jae shrugs, trying to be as casual as possible, “I was bored because all my friends and family are busy. I’ve never been to Toronto before so I was like why not.” 

“Do you feel like it’s cold here? I heard California is like nothing compared to here,” asks who Jae thinks is Don, but he already is starting to forget.

“Mmm, if you asked me this before I moved to Korea for college, I’d say yes, but I’m kinda used to it now after being there for three years.”

“Dumbass,” one of the others mumbles as he shoves Don lightly. 

Once the food comes in, they stay relatively quiet. It’s ramen and Jae’s happy with the choice because of the cold weather outside. He feels a bit awkward when Brian’s friends bring up an inside joke every now and then, but he laughs along quietly as if he understands. Brian seems relaxed so that makes Jae feel a bit at peace knowing he’s at least enjoying himself.

“You okay?” Brian whispers as he nudges Jae. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jae hums before he slurps some more noodles into his mouth.

“Just making sure.” Brian says before turning to one of his friends and asking him how his girlfriend has been. Jae listens in, and continues to listen to the conversations being said for the rest of the meal, not really saying much as he just wants the group of friends to enjoy themselves. 

  
  


“When was the last time you hung out with them before today?” 

Jae and Brian were back in Brian’s car, finishing the meal and hangout with Brian’s friends. They were originally going to get some bubble tea together (“It’s boba!” Jae argues. “No one says boba unless they’re from California. Everyone else in the world says bubble tea so shut up.”), but Brian’s friends all had things to do so it ended up being just them. 

“All of us together? Probably not since I last came back because they’re busy, but I’ve hung out with most of them one on one during the break,” Brian says nonchalantly as he starts up his car.

“Wait, I feel bad if you guys don’t hang out often and I was just there. You should’ve just left me at your place,” Jae frowns as he looks at Brian, feeling guilty.

Brian turns his head back to back up his car, one arm behind Jae’s seat. But before he does that, he looks at Jae and flicks his forehead, “It’s fine. Don’t overthink it. We’re hanging out at least two more times before school starts back up.”

“If you say so,” Jae sighs, feeling a bit relieved but still unsettled.

Once Brian fully backs out, he looks at Jae one more time, “Plus, I wouldn’t leave you at the apartment. That would be really weird. Just don’t worry about it.”

Jae nods, keeping quiet for a good portion of the drive and just humming along to the songs Brian is playing. They have a similar taste in music which Jae always found enjoyable. There are styles of songs that they don’t both like, but it’s also really nice because they can learn about different types of music from each other. 

Everything seems to always work out with the two of them. 

  
  


The rest of the week seems to fly. Every day is filled with adventures that Brian somehow is able to plan last minute. Most of the days are filled with Brian bringing Jae to popular Toronto tourist locations, which Jae fully enjoys as he loves traveling. It’s basically in his blood being born in Argentina, having Korean parents, and being raised in California. However, on the last full day Brian brings Jae to his old high school and recalls the memories of his past. 

At this point of the year, school is already in session, but they come at a time where everyone’s already gone. It’s interesting to hear these stories from Brian. He’s heard a good amount of these stories before from one of their late night talks about life when they’re procrastinating on doing school work. However, to see the places that they actually happened and to just see the sparkle in Brian’s eyes as he tells these stories happily, Jae knowing that this is something he genuinely wants the other to know about him. It’s heartwarming and he feels extremely lucky to have someone like Brian in his life. 

  
  


It’s when Jae is laying in Brian’s bed and Brian is on the air mattress that Jae brings it up. He doesn’t even have to look to know the other is awake.

“So, do you wanna talk about it now?” Jae says almost whispering it, wanting to come off as gentle as possible. 

Brian doesn’t say anything for a while, almost making Jae second guess himself and think that the other is actually asleep, but he speaks up, “Yeah, we can talk.” 

“How are you feeling?” Jae holds onto the blanket out of nervousness.

“Not sure if I’m honest,” Brian sighs, “You being here has been a good distraction of it all, so I’m not so sure if I’ll be okay once you leave.”

Jae thinks for a bit, trying to find the right words to say because sometimes words are just hard at all the wrong times, “I’m always a phone call away and you know that.” 

“I do, of course I do,” Brian pauses once more, “I’m just scared now that I’m thinking about it again. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve felt alone almost my entire life growing up as an only child and I’ve always had that hope of having a soulmate when I was younger. I would think about how I don’t need siblings when my soulmate will come someday.”

The sound of Brian’s sniffles fill the air as he takes a moment to breathe. Jae doesn’t respond, waiting for the other to just let it all out. 

“When the doctor told me I might not have a soulmate, I could literally feel my heart drop. It felt like my whole life was crashing down. It’s so shitty because this is all out of my control. If I had an average health problem, I could eat healthy and take my medication and do at least something to get better. But this,  _ this? _ There’s absolutely nothing I can do.” 

Brian’s full out crying at this point and it hurts to hear. Jae doesn’t even want to look at him because he knows that’ll just hurt him even more, so he looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath as he grasps the situation.

“You’re not alone though,” Jae says softly, getting Brian’s crying to quiet down a little, “You have me and you have all your Toronto friends and there’s also Sungjin, Wonpil and Dowoon. Jaebum and Mark are also always there for you. You have a lot of supportive friends around you,” Jae gets the courage to turn over and look at Brian, half of his body hanging off the bed, “We all care about you so much.”

The other’s eyes are swollen from crying and he quickly wipes his eyes once Jae looks at him, a bit embarrassed, “I know, but you of all people know that’s not the same.”

“Yeah, but if my soulmate came running through these doors any minute, I’d still be here for you. I’d still make time for you and make sure you’re at your happiest because you mean so much to me that my soulmate has to share me with you,” Jae grins, getting off of the bed and pushing Brian so he can have room to squeeze onto the air mattress as well. 

“What are you doing?” Brian frowns a bit, still sniffling.

“Remember that time freshman year where I was really homesick and it didn’t help that the thunder was really loud and scaring me? You climbed into my bed and helped comfort me because I was scared, so here I am two years later returning the favor,” Jae continues smiling.

They aren’t cuddling, simply laying in close proximity that it helps everything feel a lot more secure and warm. Having someone physically by your side when you need it the most is very comforting, Jae knows as he remembers being startled when Brian climbed into bed with him, close to pushing him off. However, with Brian simply saying “I’m here for you” and just being beside him helped his heart calm down so much. 

“Do you realize how ridiculous we look right now?” Brian chuckles after a moment of silence, “There’s a perfectly comfortable bed right there, but here we are sharing an air mattress on the floor.” 

Jae laughs as well, happy the atmosphere has lightened up a bit, “We can always get up and go on the bed if you want.”

“Nah, I’m lazy,” Brian laughs once more. Jae can see him looking up at the ceiling just as him and he smiles.

“Good, me too.” 

\---

 

That’s the last time Brian brings up his emotions about the situation to Jae. It has been only a month or so since that moment, but Jae still wishes Brian would talk more about his frustrations as he still doesn’t know where the line is. He basically forgot about it all when he was teasing Brian today about Dowoon. The last thing Jae wants is to hurt Brian because Brian deserves nothing but the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> usually chapters won't be this long but i got kinda ahead of myself so this is a longer one. if you guys have time please comment or send in ccs bc i would love some feedback uwu


	4. catching feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> younghyun realizes what everyone has been seeing for the past 3 years

 

It’s midterms season and Younghyun is stressed. 

However, it’s not just about his business projects and exams, but because of the words that never left his mind since they’ve been said a couple weeks ago. 

_ “Always felt like you had a crush on Jae or something like that. I think a lot of people actually think that because you two are always together and get along so well.”  _

Younghyun thinks it’s ridiculous. Having a crush on his  _ straight  _ best friend? No fucking way in hell. Yes, Jae is a bit cute and he has a nice smile. His laugh is always nice to hear and don’t get him started about the way Jae sings. It’s also really nice having him by his side and comforting whenever things get rough, but that’s just enjoying him as his best friend. It can’t possibly be--

Okay, yeah, maybe he had a small crush.

If Mark and Jaebum never mentioned anything, Younghyun would be fine and oblivious to the whole matter, but them bringing it up sent a shitstorm in his heart. It got him to just start  _ thinking _ and it wouldn’t stop no matter how he tried. He thinks about Jae differently, looks at him differently and he hates it.

The first week after the thought of him liking Jae was planted in his head, Younghyun found himself staring at Jae a little bit longer than usual, admiring his looks. He’s always admitted to himself since Jae and him became roommates that yes, Jae is quite good looking, but that’s about it. It’s during this time that Younghyun just  _ notices.  _ Jae might be more on the thin side, but Younghyun finds that one of his charming points. His eyes might be smaller than most but Younghyun finds them adorable. Jae has the brightest smile, lined by just the right amount of plump lips. Jae is just absolutely stunning, but Younghyun swears at this moment it’s just a best friend thing to do. He has to find compliments for his best friend when he’s feeling down. 

No big deal. 

The second week is when Jae mentioned him and Dowoon possibly being a thing and despite Younghyun’s initial laughter, he felt a bit frustrated that Jae would say something like that. He couldn’t really understand why he felt frustrated but it was just there. He tried to reason it with how he sees Dowoon like a younger brother and the possibility of them ever being a thing is little to nothing. He also tries to reason it with how random the accusation is too. Those are the only two reasons why he could be upset, no other reason at all. 

The third and fourth week is when everything feels like it’s spiralling out of control. His heart beats a little bit more than usual whenever Jae gets touchy. It’s supposed to be usual bro stuff, right? Why does his heart have to act this way when it never has before? He finds himself wanting to hold Jae’s hand and do things with him that couples do. It feels frustrating when Younghyun asks Jae if he wants to check out a new food or drink place, expecting it to be the two of them, but Jae invites other people along. However, Younghyun can’t say that he specifically wants it to be just him and Jae. That would be weird. The only exception is if Younghyun has something important to say, but he doesn’t. He just wants to be with Jae.

He just wants to be  _ with  _ Jae.

No, that’s not it. That can’t possibly be it. 

After the third time of Jae inviting someone along, which was Jamie at the new Mexican restaurant nearby campus, Younghyun wants to talk to someone about it. No way in hell would he talk to Mark and Jaebum as he knows he’s just going to get a ton of shit for it, so he finds himself sitting in Sungjin’s room in Dowoon, Sungjin, and Wonpil’s shared apartment. 

“So, what’s wrong with you?” Sungjin raises a brow as he leans back on his chair. 

Sitting on Sungjin’s bed, Younghyun’s fingers fiddle with his blanket, “I have a problem.” 

“Yes, I know. That’s what you said before you barged in here.  I’ll have you know that I was about a take a great nap while Dowoon and Wonpil are in class.”

Younghyun takes a deep breath, “I’ve been feeling these dumb feelings and I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, explain,” Sungjin responds without any surprise in his voice. 

“I’m going to ramble a bit because  _ fuck _ , I’m so-- I don’t know how to even go about this,” Younghyun bundles up Sungjin’s blanket as he finds himself feeling stressed, “I’m just so confused because I never expected this shit to fucking happen, an--”

“Is this possibly about Jae?” Sungjin tilts his head as he, as what Younghyun feels like, stares into the other’s soul.

Younghyun is speechless for a moment, wide eyed as he looks back at his friend, “H-how did you know?” 

Sungjin chuckles with a small smirk on his face, “Let’s think about this, Brian. Who else would it be? Surely it wouldn’t be Dowoon as you dote over him like a little brother. It wouldn’t be me or Wonpil because we’re soulmates. It could’ve been Jaebum, but I doubted it because Jaebum seems just a bit too rough for you but that’s my personal opinion. There is Mark, but I heard about that whole fiasco with him and his soulmate last week from you. Yes, you also have other friends besides them, but none of them would get you this emotionally distraught like you are now with Jae.”

Scratching the back of his head, Younghyun looks off to the side in disbelief that he could be so obvious to Sungjin, “Fuck.”

“Also, you were giving me so much stink eye when I came with Jae to meet you at the new cafe last week so there’s that too.” 

Younghyun lays on Sungjin’s bed as he groans, his hands to his face in embarrassment, “Fuck, Sungjin. What’s wrong with me? Why am I being like this?”

“I think you know the answer and you’re just afraid to admit it out loud because once you say it, it’ll become reality.”

  
  
  


It almost clicks in Younghyun’s brain as Sungjin says this. 

Jae usually doesn’t get drunk, but a couple days ago he went out with Kevin, Eric, and Jamie and came back completely wasted that Eric called Younghyun to take him home. 

At this point, Jae is almost deadweight, his eyes fluttering closed as he hangs off Younghyun’s shoulder as the other tries to drag him back. He would’ve called Sungjin, Wonpil or Dowoon to come and help him, but they all didn’t pick up their phones. Younghyun thinks this is payback for when he drank a few weeks ago. 

After a solid thirty minutes or so, they finally make it back to their apartment and Younghyun practically throws Jae onto the couch. Jae has expressed many times since they’ve been roommates that he doesn’t like sleeping on his bed if he hasn’t showered, so the couch is his best friend when he’s drunk. Younghyun makes sure Jae’s on his side before running to get a pillow and blanket. 

“Bri… water,” Jae raspily calls out when Younghyun comes back with a blanket and pillow. Setting the stuff on the coffee table, he moves to the kitchen to grab his roommate a glass of water. He looks at Jae in his drunken state as he walks back and can’t help but laugh. Younghyun squats in front of Jae and helps him drink the glass of water completely before setting it down and tucking him in. 

“Thanks, Bri,” Jae mumbles as he closes his eyes once again.

Sitting down on the floor right next to Jae, Younghyun pats Jae’s head, whispering “any time” with a warm smile. He waits for Jae to fall asleep, the soft snores being a clear sign. He can’t help but feel a bit entranced with Jae. His eyes gravitate towards Jae’s lips and he finds himself licking his own. Younghyun’s mind wanders and he thinks about how nice it would be to kiss Jae’s lips. They look soft and plump and just  _ kissable. _

Wait, no. 

He can’t possibly want to  _ kiss  _ Jae. 

No, that’s weird. 

Younghyun shakes his head at his thoughts, taking one more glance at Jae before heading back to their room. He doesn’t want to think about this right now and just sleep. 

  
  
  


Thinking about moment and all the other moments he has had with Jae frustrates Younghyun. He can’t possibly like Jae. He shouldn’t. That’s so fucking weird because they’re roommates and  _ platonic  _ best friends. They have been for almost three years now. They work well together as friends only. 

But somehow he ended up catching feelings along the way. 

“Why are you right all the time? I should’ve just went to Wonpil or Dowoon. I don’t like this,” Younghyun sits back up, glaring at the other.

Sungjin laughs as he shrugs, “The truth hurts and you know that. Besides, if you told Wonpil or Dowoon, they would blab. At least with me, you know your secret is safe.”

Younghyun looks at the floor, a bit distraught, “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I would’ve never expected to have feelings for that guy.”

The other chuckles once more, “Oh, you didn’t, but everyone else did. I know that’s probably hard to imagine, but look at you two. Sharing an apartment, constantly around each other,  _ dude _ he even visited you in Toronto when you were going through an emotional crisis, even my heart fluttered a little hearing about that. I know he’s straight, but it’s hard for something not to happen if you guys aren’t straight up hating each other.” 

“What do I do, Sungjin? I can’t confess when he doesn’t swing that way.” Younghyun sighs, eyebrows furrowed. 

“I wish I could have the answer for you, but I don’t. You just got to wait for it to go away. Maybe try to move on or something. I would say confess, but Jae doesn’t seem like the person who will take it well,” Sungjin gets up out of his seat and sits next to Younghyun, rubbing his back, “but if it means anything, I’ll always be here for you if you need someone to talk to.”

Younghyun takes a deep breath and nods, “Thanks, Sungjin. I’ll try to figure this out.”

  
  


And now, Younghyun is at a stage of acceptance. He knows he has feelings for Jae, but there’s just one big problem with that. 

Jae is straight, one of Younghyun’s straightest friends as he’s said before. Jae has always talked about his soulmate being a  _ she. _ It’s a known fact between all their friends and the last time someone tried to ask “oh, what if your soulmate isn’t a she” Jae pushed it off and said that he only likes girls so of course God will give him a girl soulmate. That’s how it’s supposed to work. 

That’s talking about soulmates though and Younghyun still doesn’t know what to do about his soulmate emotions that he can barely feel. This could simply be a dumb crush like the shit Mark and Jinyoung are going through which makes things even worse. Hearing Mark cry about his situation made Younghyun never want to have feelings for someone who isn’t his soulmate ever again. His few crushes in the past were small and didn’t hurt him, but now seeing the consequences just wants him to stay away from them. 

However, it’s hard to just stay away from Jae to try to get over this crush. Jae is in all his classes, knows all his friends, and they share the same apartment together. He’s hoping that this  _ thing _ will just go away. Maybe he’ll bump into his soulmate during this time and fall in love with them instead. That’s what he’s hoping. 

 

“I think I’m going to call it quits for tonight,” Jae sighs as he closes his textbook. The two of them are studying late night for their midterm in a few days. Their dining table is spread out with notes, laptops, textbooks (well,  _ textbook _ since they share), and pens and pencils. 

Younghyun looks up from his laptop, “Getting up early tomorrow,” he checks the time, 4:12am, “well today, as usual?” 

Jae nods as he tries to clean up his stuff a bit, “Yeah, just like every week. Probably going to drink some coffee before because I doubt I can stay awake. How long are you staying up?” 

“Not sure, whenever I feel like it.” Younghyun stretches in his chair, “Well, good night. Hopefully, you won’t see me still here when you wake up.” 

“Good night! Good luck with the rest of studying. Teach me everything I don’t understand tomorrow.” Jae turns around and heads into their shared room. 

Younghyun’s eyes linger on his roommate until the door closes. Jae going to church in the morning every Sunday is just another clear reason in his face why they would never ever possibly work out. Jae has explained before that he doesn’t hate gay people (obviously as a lot of his friends identify as not straight), but he just isn’t gay himself. That’s perfectly understandable to the average person, but for Younghyun and his feelings, maybe not so much. 

Despite seeing Jae at his worst conditions like hungover Jae or haven’t slept in 48 hours Jae,  _ hell _ , Younghyun has even seen Jae’s poop from when he clogged the toilet and broke the plunger last semester, he can’t find himself getting over Jae any time soon. With seeing his worst condition, he’s also seen some of Jae’s best conditions like whenever Jae wear his one business formal outfit for presentations or, well maybe that’s all considering Jae is a simple guy, but those presentations happen a few times a semester so that lingers in Younghyun’s head.

He looks over at the notes on the table, reaching across to grab Jae’s notebook. His notes are always ten times more messier than Younghyun’s that he doesn’t even know why he grabbed it the first place. Younghyun even finds a page where the ink from Jae’s pen is smudged, probably from drool sleeping in class one day. He can’t help but chuckles and think it’s cute. It meaning Jae. 

Wow, Younghyun’s really dug himself into this one. 

His mind wanders off and he thinks about when Jae visited him in Toronto. Younghyun hasn’t been vulnerable in front of anyone in a long time like he was with Jae during all that. It just felt so natural for him to call Jae when he found out the news, like if anyone was to hear it from him first, it would be Jae. Usually when Younghyun cries (sober of course, as drunk him can’t control himself), he hates it if he’s around other people as he always feels self conscious. However, with Jae in his room that day, it never crossed his mind. Maybe he was just too into his emotions, but Younghyun really just thinks it’s because of Jae and how comfortable he is with him. 

They work well together and Younghyun hopes it’ll stay like that.

Putting the notebook back where it was, Younghyun looks back at his own notes and continues studying. Once he gets back into his groove, it’s easy for him to temporarily forget about his feelings for Jae. Time goes by and it hits close to 6:30am when Younghyun closes his laptop and cleans up his things. Walking over to the kitchen, he brews a cup of coffee and makes it just the way Jae likes it. After pouring it into Jae’s thermos, he grabs a sticky note from the table telling him to enjoy. 

The fact of the matter is that Younghyun doesn’t even do it out of his feelings, but it’s just the usual. He knows Jae will hit the snooze button on his alarm as much as he can before he’s running out the door, scrambling for his things as he mutters “I’m late” a million times. If Younghyun’s awake in the early morning, he always does this as he knows it’s easier for Jae. He won’t have to listen to Jae sigh when he gets home about how he fell asleep at church and feels guilty because of it. It works out like that. 

  
  
  


Younghyun wakes up hours later to a smack on the face from a pillow. He furrows his eyebrows as he opens his eyes, close to yelling at the culprit. However seeing Jae smile brightly, he doesn’t and his heart races a bit.

“Brian! The best thing happened today and I have to tell you before anyone else!” Jae says with high energy still hitting Younghyun with the pillow.

The other uses his arm to block the hits as he sits up, “Okay okay! What is it?” 

Jae throws the pillow onto his own bed and pushes Younghyun’s legs to the side, climbing onto his bed afterwards. Younghyun notices that it’s most likely afternoon as the light shines through his window and onto Jae. The sunlight makes him look almost unreal, shining on his skin and highlighting how perfect it is. Jae’s eyes are almost sparkling and his hair is a bit messy, but it looks good on him. Younghyun can’t help but think Jae is absolutely one of the handsomest guys he’s seen and he’s lucky to wake up to such a person.

“I think I found my soulmate today! She’s literally the best person ever!” 

  
  
  


 

_ oh. _

  
  
  


 

Younghyun can feel his heart stop at that moment, crashing seconds later. He feels so stupid for having this dumb crush. Of course this shit would happen to him. It’s just his fucking luck that his straight best friend that he likes has a girl soulmate. What did Younghyun in his past life do to deserve such a fate?

“Are you surprised? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

He doesn’t even realize that he didn’t respond as he was temporarily wallowing in self pity, stammering to come up with something to say. “Well, what’s she like?” 

Jae smiles brightly, so bright like the sun that it physically pains Younghyun to see, “Her name is Lim. She’s an international studies major, speaks English, Chinese and Korean. Looks like an angel and acts like an angel. I only met her for a couple hours but I swear, Brian, there was a spark. I felt it in my heart.” The taller grasps his chest. 

“What makes you think she’s your soulmate?” Younghyun finds himself asking without even thinking, for some reason feeling a bit bitter. 

“I just do,” Jae shrugs with a small laugh, “I sound crazy, don’t I? It just felt like such a sign that she’s my ideal type and she seemed to enjoy my company as much as mine. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m banking on the fact that I’m right.” 

Younghyun nods, not really wanting to argue with him about how he shouldn’t get his hopes up, “Well, I’m happy for you. Whether she’s your soulmate or not, I’m happy that you have love sparking your life. I’ve told you before that you deserve only the best and I mean it every time.” 

Without warning, Jae hugs Younghyun, the other widening his eyes before wrapping his arms around him in reciprocation, “Thanks, man. I hope you find the one too soon.”

Jae says those words with such love and care, but they feel so bitter to Younghyun as he knows the one he wants is someone not for him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! i hope the pacing of this fic is okay,,, i really wasn't sure if youngk realized his feelings too quickly but this is only the start for what is to come! also, someone asked me for a markson drabble in my cc, so feel free to enter my cc and ask for more stuff bc the drabbles u ask for will most likely not be in this fic so its exclusive content,,, i guess LMAO 
> 
> one last note, next week's chapter might be delayed or pushed back bc im approaching finals and i am not done with chapter 5 at all (usually im ahead by a week or smtn) but we'll see!!!!
> 
> as usual, pls comment, give kudos and send me ccs! hopefully ill see you guys next week :)


	5. there's a connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jae meets the one (or who thinks is the one)

 

 

When Jae wakes up Sunday morning to his alarm with little to no sleep, he’s barely able to get out of bed. He quickly grabs some decent clothes to wear and walks out of the bedroom. Looking right at him on the kitchen counter is his red thermos with a sticky note that says “enjoy!” on it with a happy face. Jae grins as he takes a sip, enjoying how sweet it is despite Brian’s arguments of how that’s not how you’re supposed to enjoy coffee. Every time Jae sleeps late, he always says he’ll wake up earlier to make coffee or get Starbucks, but it never turns out so today is special.

His phone buzzes and it’s Eric saying he’s waiting outside. Jae runs out of his apartment, almost forgetting his coffee and hops into shotgun of Eric’s car.

“How late did you stay up last night?” Eric takes a glance at Jae’s messy hair and barely matching clothes.

Jae sinks into his seat, “Slept around like 4ish. No big deal.”

“I swear, you better not fall asleep on my shoulder like last time…” Eric teases as he hits a red light.

“No worries, bro. I got coffee today.” Jae waves his thermos in Eric’s face and grins.

The driver’s eyebrows furrow, “You’re telling me that Jae Park woke up early to make coffee? Wow, is the sky green?”

“Nah, Brian made it for me. He stayed up later than me to study so he probably made it before he went to bed,” Jae says happily, taking another sip.

The light turns green and Eric drives, “Oh. Of course Brian did.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Keeping his eyes on the road, Eric shrugs, “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Jae doesn’t think much of it, not having the brain cells to do so really after staying up so late studying, so he just changes the conversation to something else for the rest of the car ride.

  


Church goes just as it usually does. He listens to the pastor like normal, but if he’s honest, he really doesn’t have the brain capacity to retain the information. Eric ends up dozing off a little and Jae has to nudge him with his elbow to wake him up. Usually Kevin goes with Eric and Jae, sometimes Jamie too, but today it’s just them. It’s routine for them and they hardly ever miss a day. Jae promising his parents that he would go every week is one of the main reasons why they let him study in Korea.

It’s when service is over and he ends up losing Eric that things become a little different.

Jae, Eric, and whoever else comes along with them usually stick around for a bit and talk to some of their church friends, but after drinking the whole thermos of coffee, Jae bolts to the restroom. He realizes he lost his ride home when he walks out of the restroom and pulls out his phone only to find it dead.

He considers searching for Eric, but there’s a lot of people that go to the church that they go to that it might take him a while. Instead, he decides just to walk the car, but then he realizes he doesn’t remember where Eric parked as Jae was dropped off at the front to get seats while Eric looked for parking. This leads him to wait in front of the building awkwardly.

Luckily, he’s not the only one as a girl stands near him, seemingly to also be waiting for someone. She’s really pretty and Jae could describe her even more but he doesn’t want to stare.

“Are you waiting for someone?” he asks with all the courage inside his heart.

The girl nods timidly, “Yeah, my friend’s chatting up a storm in there and I figured I’d just wait for him out here.”

“Same here, or well, I also kinda lost him too because I went to the bathroom right after service ended and my phone’s dead,” Jae sheepishly shrugs, getting a smile from her in return. Her smile is beautiful, he notes, wishing he could find better words to describe it.

“Do you want to borrow my phone to call him?” the girl holds out her phone, but Jae shakes his head.

“Nah, I don’t memorize his number. It’ll be okay. I’m sure he won’t leave me. He knows I don’t have a way back home or well I hope so,” the girl laughs and Jae can feel his cheeks blushing.

She hums softly, “Well, if your friend doesn’t appear in the next ten minutes or so, I can give you a ride home. My friend and I won’t take too long… I think, so it wouldn’t be a bother.”

Jae smiles, but shakes his head once again, “It’s okay. I’d still feel like a bother considering we just met. By the way, what’s yo--”

“There you are!” Eric runs over, immediately jumping up to reach Jae’s neck and put him in a headlock, “I’ve been looking for you all over. Oh, you’re here too.”

Jae tries to swat Eric away, but he immediately stops when he hears his last words, “You know her?”

Eric loosens his grip and Jae immediately stands back up straight, noticing the shocked expression on the girl’s face. He can’t help but feel embarrassed. Friends are supposed to hook each other up, not do this in front of cute girls.

“Yeah, I was gonna introduce you two because she’s new at the church and needs more friends.”

Introduce? Eric might just be a good friend after all.

The girl smiles, “Eric’s actually the friend I was waiting for… too, I guess since you were waiting for him as well.”

“Well, anyway, if you haven’t properly introduced yourselves, Jae, this is Lim and Lim, this is Jae,” Eric grins as he looks at the two of them back and forth, “I was thinking we could go grab lunch together? What do you guys say?”

“Sure, I finished most of my studying last night, so I’m free,” Jae nods, looking to Lim for her answer.

Lim shrugs, “I have nothing else to do so sure, why not.”

“Cool, there’s a place a five minute drive away that Jae and I always go to. I’ll send you the address, Lim. You can meet us there,” Eric says, pulling Jae away as soon as Lim gives the thumbs up.

Jae doesn’t ask any questions once they get in the car. He wants to ask if he has any intentions behind this but he would hate to hear something along the lines of “wow Jae, not everything is about love and soulmates” and get teased by Eric. That would lead to him telling Kevin and Jamie and it would just be over from there. Jae will just go along with whatever happens.

 

“Are you okay with Mexican food? I realized I never asked,” Eric says once they meet up with Lim in front of the restaurant.

Lim nods with a soft smile, “Yeah, I’m not a picky eater. You said the two of you eat here a lot so I trust that it’s good.”

Jae awkwardly smiles, “Don’t put that pressure on us. If you end up not liking it, that looks bad on us.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s fine,” Lim puts her hand on Jae’s arm casually, making Jae tense up from nervousness.

“Alright, then what are we waiting for? Let’s go in,” Eric looks at the two before getting a head start inside. Lim moves her hand away and follows Eric, but Jae needs a few seconds to process what happened before he walks into the restaurant.

The restaurant workers quickly recognize Jae and Eric, greeting them warmly as they find an empty table to sit. It just turns out that Lim decides to sit right in front of Jae, with Eric sitting to the side of him. He feels self conscious and wishes that he paid a little more attention to his appearance today.

 

At this point Jae and Eric only look at the menu for a brief moment before closing it because they always end up getting the same thing every time that there was no point to opening it in the first place. Lim takes a bit longer, asking questions about certain dishes, but as the two guys only get the same thing every time, they don’t really know what anything else is. In the end, she just copies what Jae gets and hopes for the best. It makes Jae a bit nervous as he doesn’t want her to not like it and be stuck with what she got.

“So, tell me about yourself,” Lim looks at Jae with a bright smile, it’s almost blinding that Jae looks away (but that might also be due to the nervousness in his heart).

Jae takes a breath to calm down, “Well, my full name is Park Jaehyung, but everyone calls me Jae. I’m from the States, born in Argentina though but I don’t know any Spanish sadly. I came to Korea for university and I’m a third year business administration major. Your turn.”

“Well,” Lim hums as she taps her fingers on the table, “my full name is Woo Hyelim, but everyone calls me Lim. I was born here but I spent a lot of my life in Hong Kong, so I know how to speak Korean, English, and Chinese. I also came back here for university and I’m a third year international studies major.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Lim,” Jae says as he finds the courage to look back at her, his heart fluttering a bit when he notes once more how pretty she is.

Jae looks to Eric, “How did you even meet Lim anyway?”

“We’re in the same group for a class project. Remember the class I keep complaining about because no one except one person does anything?” Jae nods to his question, “She’s that one person and she told me she was looking for a church so I recommended ours and here we are.”

“I hate that class so much. I can’t wait for this semester to be over and we’re barely halfway,” Lim sighs as she rests her face on her hands, propped elbows on the table.

Eric chuckles dryly, “I know right. People really have no sense. You’d expect them to as they’re in university, but they really don’t.”

The two rant more about their class and Jae quietly listens, feeling a bit awkward as he wants to talk to join but being a different major from them, he clearly can’t. His group project experiences have never been too bad either because at least he has Brian to rely on. Thankfully, the waitress comes by and puts a temporary stop to their conversation, handing the plates of food to each person.

“It looks good!” Lim chirps as the waitress walks away, grabbing a fork and knife to cut through the wet burrito.

“I hope you like it,” Jae grins. He watches as the other takes her first bite (not creepily of course, just wanting to see if she’ll enjoy it) and her face lights up almost immediately.

“This is really good! I’m glad I got the same one as you!” Lim smiles at Jae before looking to Eric, “Can I try yours as well?”

Eric nods as he pushes the plate closer to her, “Of course you can.”

“Thanks!” Lim quickly grabs a bite and tries it as well, “This is good too, but I think I like the one Jae and I got a bit more.”

Jae can’t help but smile, stuffing his face right after. It’s quiet at the table as they’re all just enjoying their food, but halfway through their meal Eric gets a call. At first he looks at his screen and ignores the call, but whoever it is calls once again and Eric rolls his eyes before he answers it. Jae can’t help but smile, stuffing his face right after. It’s quiet at the table as they’re all just enjoying their food, but halfway through their meal Eric gets call. At first he looks at his phone screen and ignores the call, but whoever it is calls once again and Eric rolls his eyes before he answers it.

“What do you want?” Eric answers in a upset tone, pausing to listen to the person on the phone, “Oh? You need me? _Now_ you need me?”

Lim and Jae just look at each other with an uncomfortable expression, knowing that this is what they were expecting at all. Lim raises her eyebrows at Jae and points with her eyes at Eric, basically asking if Jae knows what’s going on with Eric. Jae simply shrugs as her guess is just as good as his.

“Fine, _fine,_ gimme like ten minutes or so, asshole,” Eric hangs up from his phone and sighs as he looks at the two, “Kevin forgot his keys to the apartment so I have to go and open the door for him.”

Jae is confused as Kevin and Eric usually get along, “Why were you so sassy with him?”

“We got in a fight yesterday about apartment stuff. His high school friend wants to stay at our apartment for like two months during his school vacation and I said sure, but he’s going to have to pay for utilities because that’s a long time. And then he got mad saying he can’t ask a guest to pay and it just escalated from there. He went to Jaime’s last night but he forgot his keys, so yeah,” Eric groans as he thinks about the situation again, “I’m gonna ask for a to-go box. Sorry for cutting this short. I feel bad. I wanted you two to meet because I feel like you guys are really similar and would get along, but I’m his ride so—“

“I can give him a ride home, if he’s okay with it. We can hang out for longer,” Lim interrupts with the same bright smile on her face.

Eric is a bit surprised but he calms down quickly, “Oh? Well, if Jae’s okay with it then that’s fine.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Jae covers his mouth as he replies, his mouth half full with food.

“Okay, I’ll see you two later then,” Eric smiles softly, bringing his plate to the front to get the workers to pack it to go.

Jae and Lim wave bye to Eric and once he steps through the doors, they immediately look at each other, “So…” Jae starts off awkwardly, “I’m really bad at conversation starters honestly.”

“Me too,” Lim chuckles, “but if Eric thinks we’d get along well, there’s gotta be something in common that we can talk about.”

“Suddenly, I’m blanking out. Who am I?” Jae jokes, getting a laugh out of Lim which flutters his heart once again.

“Well, maybe this isn’t something we have in common, but why did you choose to be a business administration major?” Lim puts her utensils down as she’s just about done with her food.

Jae twirls his fork in his hand, “I didn’t really know what else to do if I’m honest. When I was applying, I thought, ‘Oh, business seems cool. Maybe I’ll do that’ and I just applied. I didn’t know that in Korea you can’t change your major, so I’m really lucky I ended up enjoying it. How about you? Why did you choose international studies?”

“I’ve always been interested in cultures and languages. Being born in Korea, but growing up in Hong Kong and going to international school, I was exposed to a more diverse community. I mean, I’m pretty sure you did too considering the US is known to have an abundance of cultures. However, I just was so fascinated and it made me want to learn and work with even more cultures so I decided that this major would be good. My third year in and I’m still enjoying it so that’s nice.”

Jae’s jaw almost drops at her in depth explanation, “Wow, you sound so much cooler than I did just now. I wish I had a cool backstory like that.”

“I mean, not everyone has an idea of what they want to do, so it’s perfectly okay. I think I’m just lucky to have grown up the way I did to know what I like,” Lim’s eyes turn into crescents as she smiles and Jae is just more and more in awe of her.

They talk for an hour or two more, Jae doesn’t really keep track. He learns a lot more about Lim and he finds himself falling more and more into this crush. In the back of his head, he can’t help but think if this girl isn’t his soulmate then he would have no idea who else it would be.

Despite meeting his friends in the oddest ways, it still takes a while for Jae to truly click with people. There’s that awkward phase that eventually turns into being able to casually talk and joke around but, depending on the person, that awkward phase can take weeks. However, with Lim, it feels like they’ve known each other for longer than just a few hours. It’s fascinating to him.

“We’ve stayed here for a while and I gotta get some homework done. You okay to go now?” Lim says after checking the time on her phone. The plates are cleared at this point, and luckily the restaurant isn’t crowded or else they’d feel bad about staying so long.

Jae nods, grabbing his dead phone and wallet on the table, “Yeah, I’m good with that. I still have things to study for. My roommate probably should be awake right now to study with me.”

They get up out of their seats and say goodbye to the workers before heading to Lim’s car. Jae lets Lim lead, obviously as he has no idea where she parked or what her car even looks like. It turns out to be a regular white car, looks well used but Jae doesn’t judge as any car is a good car if it can get him around places (or well can get his friends to drive him places since he has no car himself).

“I’m sorry. Just to warn you, it’s a bit messy. I wasn’t expecting to drive anyone else,” Lim unlocks the doors to her car and enters through the driver’s seat.

With the warning, Jae opens the doors and expects it to be a mess, but it seems fine to him. There is a bunch of stuff in it, but it just seems natural for a university student that it doesn’t look messy to him. “Your car is fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lim.”

“It’s usually a lot cleaner than this, but you know how it is during midterms. I haven’t had the time to clean up,” Lim sighs as she starts up her car, “Can you give me directions or do you want to just put in your address?”

“I can probably give directions, but I’m not entirely sure if they’ll be good since I’m used to Eric just knowing where to go,” Jae chuckles, grabbing Lim’s phone once she pulls it out and opens her navigation app.

“Understandable,” she hums as she clips her phone near the car radio, “Don’t judge me for my taste of music, okay?”

Lim presses go on the navigation app before changing apps to Spotify and putting on her driving playlist. The song playing is Youth by Troye Sivan and Jae recognizes it quickly, “I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately.”

“Really? Me too! I feel like Troye Sivan is a bit basic though, so I was kinda nervous when I clicked shuffle and that was the song that played.”

The driver starts backing up, placing her hand on Jae’s seat as she looks back. Jae notes that usually this something the guy would do in which the girl’s heart would swoon, but now it’s the opposite. He feels like he understands why this is so heart fluttering as the sight of a pretty girl focused on driving is kinda hot-- okay, really hot.

“Nah, it’s fine. Good music is good music, who cares if it’s basic or not,” Jae says once he snaps out of it. He was kinda staring at Lim for too long, but he hopes she doesn’t think it’s creepy.

“That’s what I say!” Lim smiles, her eyes on the road, “I’m glad you can agree with me on this.”

“Yeah, I never judge anyone’s music taste really. Like maybe I don’t like it, but it’s cool if you like it. Music is amazing that way that there’s something for almost everyone,” Jae smiles, being the big music fanatic he is, he can never miss a conversation about it.

The car soon stops at a red light and Lim looks to Jae, “Right? That’s how I feel too! It boggles my mind how some people are so judgy about things like this. Sorry it’s not for you, but it’s perfect for someone else. I love music. I would’ve been a music major if I wasn’t international studies.”

“Woah, goosebumps,” Jae says, surprised.

The light turns green again that Lim can’t look at Jae, but she has a confused expression on her face, “Why?”

“I would’ve been a music major too if I wasn’t business administration. I know I said I chose business because I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but actually, I wanted to do music, but I was scared? I hope I don’t sound like a wimp, but the music industry is intimidating and the chance of failure is higher than business that I decided to take the safe route,” Jae ends up looking at his hands on his lap, not expecting to tell Lim about something personal like that. It’s always been a small regret in Jae’s heart that lingers. As much as he loves his major, he knows that part of him wishes that he could’ve tried doing music.

“Don’t worry, you don’t sound like a wimp. It’s understandable and I know that’s a reason why I chose international studies over music. I’m just glad you enjoy business because if you hated business and had regrets for not choosing music, that would be really tough on you,” Lim has a soft reassuring smile on her face that Jae takes note of.

The conversation changes to something a lot more lighter (thank God because Jae doesn’t think he can handle it considering he’s nervous being around a cute girl). Jae and Brian’s apartment isn’t too far so the drive doesn’t take too long that soon they’re in front of his place.

“It was really nice meeting you today, Jae. I’m really glad Eric introduced us. We are very similar,” Lim unlocks the door, looking at Jae with that same smile.

“Yeah. I’m really glad too,” he pauses, trying to muster up all the courage inside of him before he speaks, “Can I possibly… get your number? We should hang out some more and I don’t want this to be the last time.”

“Oh, sure!” Lim says without hesitation, grabbing her phone from the car phone clip and handing it to Jae, “Put your number in and then call yourself since your phone is dead.”

Jae takes her phone and does as she says, “Cool, I’ll text you later, yeah?”

Lim nods enthusiastically, “Feel free. I’ll see you sometime soon maybe.”

“See you later!” Jae grins as he steps out of the car. He watches as Lim drives off before he walks back into his apartment. He feels like he’s floating at this moment meeting someone like her that just connects with him so easily. It feels like they were meant to meet.

It’s as if they’re soulmates.

Could this be it? Jae’s heart flutters as he thinks about it, running up the stairs. If anyone needs to hear about this realization first, it has to be Brian. He tells his best friend everything and he’s almost always the first person that knows.

Unlocking the door to their apartment, he opens it to see an empty living room. It’s the middle of the afternoon so he kind of expected Brian to be awake, but he must’ve stayed up pretty late last night studying. Jae puts his keys on the dining table and heads into their room and sees Brian, still fast asleep. He could just wake up Brian normally by nudging him, but he figures it’d be a lot more fun of he smacks Brian with his pillow so that’s exactly what he does.

Brian’s eyes furrow as he wakes up, but as soon as he looks at Jae who is smiling brightly, it disappears.

“Brian! The best thing happened today and I have to tell you before anyone else!” Jae says with high energy still hitting Brian with the pillow as he just wants the other to be fully awake already so he can tell him what happened.

The other uses his arm to block the hits as he sits up, “Okay okay! What is it?”

Jae throws the pillow onto his own bed and pushes Brian’s legs to the side, climbing onto his bed afterwards. Brian’s hair is a mess and he looks like he had a restful sleep considering there’s dry drool at the corner of his lips. It’s typically how Brian looks like waking up in the morning, nothing new to Jae.

“I think I found my soulmate today! She’s literally the best person ever!”

  


There’s a pause that Jae notices and the slightest hurt expression on Brian’s face that makes Jae a bit confused. Wouldn’t his best friend be happy over something like this? Jae quickly concludes that he’s just being typical Jae that loves to overthink the stupidest things. Brian’s probably just taking a while to process everything since he just woke up.

“Are you surprised? Why aren’t you saying anything?” Jae nudges the other to speak.

“Well, what’s she like?”

Thinking about Lim makes Jae smile bright. “Her name is Lim. She’s an international studies major, speaks English, Chinese and Korean. Looks like an angel and acts like an angel. I only met her for a couple hours but I swear, Brian, there was a spark. I felt it in my heart.” He grasps his chest to prove his point.

“What makes you think she’s your soulmate?” Brian says almost immediately, throwing Jae completely off because this wasn’t the response he was expecting, but he chooses to answer it anyway.

“I just do,” Jae shrugs with a small laugh, “I sound crazy, don’t I? It just felt like such a sign that she’s my ideal type and she seemed to enjoy my company as much as mine. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m banking on the fact that I’m right.”

Brian simply nods, not arguing any further which calms Jae’s confusion, “Well, I’m happy for you. Whether she’s your soulmate or not, I’m happy that you have love sparking your life. I’ve told you before that you deserve only the best and I mean it every time.”

Overwhelmed by Brian’s response, especially with his slight overthinking earlier, Jae hugs Brian, feeling grateful to have a best friend so supportive and caring, “Thanks, man. I hope you find the one too soon.”

Jae gets up off of Brian’s bed and smiles once more, “I’m gonna go study in the living room, study with me once you fully wake up?”

Brian nods and Jae walks out of their shared bedroom. It’s when he closes the door that he feels his soulmate’s emotions.

 

They’re hurt and sad, surprisingly and intensively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know lim that well so she may be ooc and im sorry about that. shes the best person i could think of for this role so yeah....
> 
> also i know this chapter is mainly a filler, but i swear,,, next chapter,,, is gonna have a lot of information. speaking of next chapter, it will most likely be posted thursday or friday next week (california time) because my last final is thursday and im studying until then. i'm only like 1/3 done with the chapter rn so im going to most likely need more time for this one because it's really important!!
> 
> as usual, please comment, give kudos, and send me ccs!!! :)


	6. everything lines up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a dive into younghyun's pas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! sorry for the wait for this update,,, finals kicked my ass jshdfjhsd but this update is 3x longer (9k!!) than my usual updates (around 3k) so i hope that makes up for it. there's a lot of info in this chapter so i encourage you to read through it slowly :) some songs i recommend to listen to while reading this chapter: i'll remember, goodbye winter, still, and how can i say (all my day6 of course)

The weeks pass and midterms season turns into finals season and Younghyun is very tired. All he wants is to sleep more than five hours but of course, he can’t have that. He can’t seem to have anything he wants.

It’s hard for him if he’s honest, probably one of the hardest semesters of his life. The school work as a third year is a lot more intense and Younghyun finds himself constantly falling behind. His feelings for Jae haven’t gotten any better and hearing him gush about Lim every Sunday after he comes back from church makes everything hurt a bit more. 

He’s just trying to get through the days one at a time. 

 

But today, he’s having a great time relaxing on the couch. He probably should be studying but he’s been studying nonstop for the past couple days that he deserves a small study break. His phone is open to one of his favorite webtoons as he snacks on some chips resting on his chest. It’s about to get to a good part where the girl realizes that the main guy is the one for her, but of course, that’s when his phone buzzes and it’s Jae texting him, ruining the mood. 

 

_ jae, younghyun (2)  _

**Jae [9:34pm]**

hey bribri 

are you possibly at the apartment rn

if so :) can you maybe :) get my econ notebook from my desk and bring it :) to the library

i dont want anyone to take my seat the library is crowded im sure someone will take it if i leave right now

**Younghyun [9:36pm]**

i’m cozy on the couch u fucker

but fine

gimme like 20 min or so 

im reading a webtoon

**Jae [9:37pm]**

of course you are

no rush tho

thanks bro

ur the best heh 

**Younghyun [9:38pm]**

yeah whatever u owe me coffee at the least

**Jae [9:39pm]**

yeah of course

no problem

 

First priority is finishing the webtoon chapter which wraps up nicely where the girl confesses her feelings for the guy and goes in for the kiss. It’s heart-fluttering and he can’t help but think if only love could be that easy before closing the app. The bag of chips is almost empty so he quickly finishes it before getting up off the couch and throwing the bag away. The chips were a bit salty so he grabs a glass of water and drinks it, finishing with a sigh as he really doesn’t want to leave the apartment. He also could’ve studied at the library today like Jae, but the apartment has always been so cozy that the cold library (because they always have the air conditioner on full blast) but cramped wasn’t appealing to him.

After contemplating of whether the free cup of coffee is worth it or not (it is because he’s poor), he walks into the bedroom and grabs a hoodie to cover up his stained house shirt. His bed looks so tempting to just sleep that he’s a little sad before he walks out.

Walking back out into the living room, he looks at Jae’s desk which is an absolute mess. There’s snack wrappers everywhere as well as notebooks and single pieces of paper. It’s typical finals season Jae that Younghyun isn’t surprised. In the midst of trying to find Jae’s notebook, which Younghyun thinks is his black one but he’s not entirely sure, a journal drops onto the floor. 

Younghyun looks at it for a bit, still on the floor, not remembering when Jae ever owned a journal. Jae doesn’t seem the type to even own a journal if he’s completely honest. He picks it up and thinks about whether he should open it or not. It’s a clear invasion of privacy but it’s not like Jae hides anything from him anyway so he should be okay. 

The first page says “for my soulmate” and Younghyun chuckles at Jae the romanticist. It also says that whoever his soulmate is will know all that is written in here a lot better than him and he hopes that his soulmate will tell him all about it someday.

“Sounds vague,” Younghyun hums as he turns the page. They’re all dates describing his emotions and he quickly realizes that this is a log of Jae feeling his soulmate’s emotions. He skims through it for the most part, the journal is almost completely filled in and it amazes Younghyun that disorganized Jae is capable of being organized at something. Then again, Jae’s always been obsessed over finding his soulmate so it’s not surprising. 

He closes the journal and peels back the pages to see if he missed something and he did. There’s writing all the way at the end. 

 

“ **01/30/2012**

I wanted to put this at the end of the journal because I can’t really account for this day. When this day happened, I didn’t have the idea of making this journal at all. This was probably the saddest day of my life and I have no idea why. Something terrible must have happened to you, my soulmate.”

 

Shocked, Younghyun loses his grip of the journal. It slips out of Younghyun’s hands and the slam of it hitting the floor rings throughout the room as he stares in front of him. That date screams in Younghyun’s head as he’ll never forget that day ever. It was also one of the worst days of his life.

“There’s no fucking way,” he thinks to himself as he squats down to the floor to pick it back up, “It can’t possibly be fucking him.”

He stands back up and flips back to the ending page and there’s a few more journal entries afterwards.

 

“ **02/13/2012**

As said before, I can’t really account for this period, but this was the first day I went back to school after being bedridden with sadness since the first date. I went to school not only because I was kinda forced too but also I was starting to feel a bit better. It was still rough not gonna lie, but time heals all, right? That’s what I’ve been told.” 

 

This was the day Younghyun started to accept everything that happened and try to live normally like before. He had been so heartbroken before, but he was starting to learn to be more at peace around this time. 

 

“ **03/02/2012**

I remember this was when I was starting to feel like myself again. The sadness still lingered a bit, but I could feel happy and just overall better. My attention span got a lot better and I was finally able to pay attention in class (able, but still didn’t because lol)”

 

That day is also unforgettable to Younghyun as that was the day he moved to Toronto, feeling almost free from all his worries. 

There’s no more dated entries but there is a note at the end. 

 

“Every day after that last date had me feeling a bit nervous and every now and then the sadness of before hits, especially the anniversary of the first mentioned date.”

 

Younghyun looks through the journal again from the beginning and there are dates that pop out to him. 07/24/2014 is most likely the date of his first performance with his two other friends from Toronto in their small singing group called Third Degree. Jae writes that day as being nervous but excited when he was doing nothing but laying around at home. 11/27/2014 is unforgettable as its when he came out as bisexual to his close friends and family. Jae writes that day as being extremely anxious when all he wanted to do was eat Thanksgiving dinner. 05/07/2015 is around the time when the mathletes won their competition and Younghyun was ecstatic that day. Jae writes that day as feeling extremely happy despite failing a test. Younghyun pulls out his phone and double checks these dates and he’s right.

For a second, Younghyun gets lost in his own memories, but quickly he remembers where he is and what’s going on and he feels extremely torn. He turns back to the last page and stares at the first date over and over again until he feels the tears fall from his face. 

Jae is his soulmate and Younghyun doesn’t know what he’s going to do. 

 

\----

Younghyun’s relationship with his dad from birth growing up wasn’t the best so he always felt closer to his mom. Being the only child, Younghyun received a lot of love from his mom. His dad worked long hours not only as a psychology professor but working in a clinic part time so he was hardly home and when he was home, he was often the one who lectured and scolded Younghyun. When he looks back on it, his mom was clearly the good cop while his dad was the bad cop in the family. 

His mom was a stay-at-home mom but she was extremely smart. She went to university, earning a degree in business, one of the main reasons why Younghyun chose his major. Not only that but she spent a lot of her early 20s after university traveling the world for her career. She picked up languages quickly and easily and is the reason why Younghyun’s English was pretty good even before moving Toronto as she (and his dad) spoke to him in a mix of Korean and English. Her career was at her peak when she had Younghyun, but she stopped it all to raise her son. She knew that Younghyun needed at least one parental figure to spend time with him and considering she spent a lot of time living her career to her fullest more than her husband who spent more time getting his doctorate in psychology, it was better for her to quit. 

Of course, Younghyun didn’t know of this until much later, so hearing passionate stories of his mom’s past made him a bit more resentful of his dad who he felt at the time was stopping his mom from doing what she loved. 

Most of Younghyun’s favorite childhood memories are with his mom. She would help him with his homework, play with him at the park and even try some of the video games he owned that she didn’t understand too well. Younghyun’s mom was the one he relied on the most. When he would fight with his dad, he would always go crying to his mom afterwards. 

“Why is dad always so mean?” Younghyun huffs as he sits on his bed with crossed arms. His mom had gone into his room to check up on her, witnessing the fight. 

She pats his head and sighs, “He just cares about you. He wants to see you grow up to be big and strong.” 

“He doesn’t have to yell at me for every single thing! Breaking that picture frame was an accident!” Younghyun pouts at his mom and she can’t help but softly smile at how cute her son is. 

“I know. It’s okay, my child. He loves you, just don’t forget that,” she wipes the tears off his face. 

Younghyun frowns, “You always say that but I’ve never heard him say it to me and he never even hangs out with me!” 

“It’s hard for your dad to express these things, but I know he loves you and you should know too. He’s a busy man and it’s because he works that we get to spend so much time together,” she pulls her son to a hug, kissing the top of his head after, “I’m gonna go now. Don’t be so sad, my baby.” 

He watches as his mom walks away, the sound of the door closing rings throughout the room before he lays in bed. His pillow slowly soaks up his tears as he thinks about how much his dad makes him mad. Days like this are days he wishes that it was just him and his mom. 

  
  


Around the time Younghyun was barely a teenager, he was with his mom in their car driving. Younghyun’s dad was going to be home late, so his mom decided that the two of them would eat dinner outside because it’s been a while since they went out to eat. His dad would always nag about eating out as he felt like it was a waste of money since his mom’s cooking was just as good, if not better. However, some days she gets lazy so this was also one of those days. 

Thinking back to this memory, Younghyun can honestly say he remembers barely any of it. He can’t even remember where they went and what they ate that day. He vaguely remembers being happy and excited to be out. School is tough and eating has always been a stress reliever for him. In the car, he was simply on his flip phone probably texting the his friends, listening to the radio playing god knows what with his mom. 

  
  
  


But then suddenly everything just goes dark, blacks out. There’s nothing. 

  
  
  


Younghyun opens his eyes a few hours later in a hospital bed. He’s confused and the doctor tells him it’s a miracle that he came out of the situation with only minor injuries. It doesn’t make him feel relieved at all because he doesn’t understand what happened and the doctor doesn’t explain in depth either. His father comes running through the doors after hearing that his son regained consciousness. His hands immediately come to cup Younghyun’s face and when Younghyun looks into his father’s eyes he sees tears. The sight is foreign to him as he’s never seen his father cry because he’s been told that men aren’t supposed to cry. A tear falls down his father’s eyes and he whispers softly, but Younghyun can still hear his words.

“At least you’re okay, my precious son.”

The day is January 30, 2012, the day teenage Younghyun will find out just a few minutes later of his mother’s death. 

  
  


It feels Younghyun’s heart is ripped into pieces. He feels so suffocated at home because almost everything reminds him of his mom. There’s the small bookshelf she placed for herself to read from whenever her son was at school, the second blanket folded on his chair that she would put on him at night whenever she thought it was too cold, and even the second controller that sits near the console completely untouched because no one’s going to use it with him. 

Younghyun’s relatives slowly pour into their house, all of them trying to pick up his spirits back but it’s no use. One of them telling him “your soulmate is probably suffering too” but why would he care about his soulmate at a time like this? They all eventually leave him alone and from the upstairs he can hear his dad’s voice talking to them. He can’t make out any sentences but from just the sound his voice, the words of  “you weren’t the parent I wanted to be left with” ring in Younghyun’s head bitterly. 

The funeral happens three days later. Younghyun gets out of bed and puts on his only suit. He looks at the mirror and he can see how worn out he looks but there’s nothing really he can do about it. It’s hard for him to properly sleep as his mom appears in his dreams, disappearing from his eyes every single time and jolting him awake. 

He stands at the entrance greeting people that enter. There’s people from all over the world and Younghyun can feel his mom’s impact on people’s lives. These people flew across the globe just to pay their respects and it hurts him because he knows how much she missed her friends and acquaintances from her business days. It’s only now that they can meet face to face, well if you can call it that. 

His father tells him to walk around and greet people after a while and he does that. Younghyun doesn’t really say much but he just gives his presence to these people and they start talking to him about how great his mom was. She wasn’t just a loving and caring person to her child but to other people as well. They tell him stories about the times she’s gotten them out of trouble and her incredible career, but also the times that she’s made them laugh, the times where she was clumsy, the times where she wasn’t just this amazing role model, but an average human too. They’re stories that Younghyun’s never heard as his mom only wanted him to know about the great things that he can look up to. It makes Younghyun wish his mom was right here so he could tease her about all these stories. 

“If you’re ever in the area, feel free to give me a call,” one of them says, handing Younghyun a business card, “Anything for my former boss’s son.”

The others at the table scramble to their pockets and purses, all pushing business cards in front of Younghyun’s face at the same time. Younghyun feels a bit awkward, but he takes all of them and puts them in his pocket, “Thank you. I’ll be sure to let you all know.” 

“Go and talk to other people here, kiddo,” a lady relatively the same age as his mom says, “but just remember one thing for us.”

Younghyun blinks at her, “Hm?”

“Your mother was a strong woman and she could’ve eventually had all the wealth and glory she could’ve asked for, but she gave it all up for you,” she puts a hand on his shoulder gently, “Live your happiest life. It’s all she wanted for you.”

“I… understand,” Younghyun says with a forced smile, moving away to go greet others as he was told. That statement was supposed to be encouraging and uplifting, but all Younghyun felt was bitterness. How could he be happy without his mom? She was like his best friend and just cared for him so much, but now that was gone and he can’t help but feel empty without her. 

  
  


About two weeks have passed and Younghyun still doesn’t feel any better. If anything, the tears that he cried every night have just turned into nothingness. He simply felt numb to all the pain, not susceptible to happiness. Most of the days he laid bed ridden. His father took time off from work to mourn so he’s been in the house. Every day he tries to knock on his door, ask him to hang out or do anything, but Younghyun never speaks. How could he just suddenly act friendly towards someone throughout his whole life was so cold? Younghyun doesn’t have the energy to try to get along so he just ignores him every time. 

It doesn’t help that his dad is a horrible cook, never having to cook before because his mom’s cooking was absolutely amazing. The first couple days he tried to cook for Younghyun, but it was just a disaster. Every day he just orders take out again and if Younghyun’s honest, he’s tired of it. It feels ironic because hardly getting to eat out for meals is what made the day of his mom’s death so special (before the accident, of course), but now he just wants a home cooked meal.

However, when his dad’s sister visits, she cooks him a meal, but he can’t help but think that it still doesn’t taste the same. He’s never met this specific aunt before. Apparently, she lives somewhere the United States, but she couldn’t make it to the funeral because she was having visa issues that couldn’t get solved until now. Sitting at the dining table, she tries talking to him but it’s more of a one sided conversation as Younghyun doesn’t have the energy to really talk. Once he’s done with his meal, he excuses himself and washes his plate before going back upstairs to hole up in his room. 

It’s the middle of the night when Younghyun wakes up, no nightmare thankfully but just typical erratic sleep. Usually, he tries to go back to sleep, but for some reason this night, he decides that he’ll grab a glass of water from downstairs. His dad’s a light sleeper so he takes quiet steps, but once he gets to the staircase, he notices the lights are on downstairs. Walking all the way to the last step carefully, he listens in on the conversation, trying to figure out why someone would be up at this hour. 

“I miss her so much, sis. It’s been so hard these past two weeks,” his dad sighs, “Lately, the day we meet keeps replaying in my head lately and I wish I could live through my days with her all over again.” 

His aunt can’t help but chuckle, “You mean when you lost our cousins in Chicago who were only young teenagers visiting from Korea at the time? They came running up to her because she was the only Korean on sight and luckily she helped them find you and she yelled at you for a solid three minutes for being irresponsible. Yeah, what a great time.” 

“If she wasn’t there, they could’ve been lost forever,” there’s a pause, a glass tapping onto the table gently, “If she wasn’t there, I would’ve been lost forever.” 

“A sap as usual,” his aunt scoffs, “I can’t even blame you or make fun of you for it because you have every right.” 

His dad laughs dryly, “What can I say? She was, no she still  _ is _ my everything. Even if she’s gone from this world, she’ll always be my love, my soulmate.” 

Younghyun can hear the sound of tissues being grabbed from the box, followed by a nose being blown. “At least you didn’t lose Younghyun too.”

At the sound of his name, Younghyun immediately tenses up, listening more intently as he presses his body against the wall to make sure he is as close as he can be without them noticing his presence. 

“It’s basically like I lost him too or maybe,” he sighs, “... maybe I never had him to begin with.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Younghyun hates me,” his dad says in a sad tone in his voice, “It’s always been like this. Mom loved, encouraged, and befriended while Dad disciplined, yelled, and nagged. She was such a softie with Younghyun that she basically gave me no other choice and that just became how things were. You’d expect the psychology professor to know a better way to raise his kid, but this seemed like it. However, now that she’s gone, the love and flowers in this house are no longer here, leaving me and Younghyun completely disconnected,” he takes a deep breath, the instability in his breathing becoming evident, “I tried so much to build a bridge between us, to move forward without his mom, but he never responds. At this point I don’t know what to do. I miss my wife so much and I feel so alone and I just-- he’s what remains but I can’t even have him by my side.”

Without any sound, Younghyun can feel the tears fall down his face, not even bothering to wipe them. He didn’t know that his dad was feeling this way. Well, of course he knew his dad was mourning just like him, but never once did he think his dad wanted his presence, needed it because he had no one else. His dad always yelled at him for something, lectured him, told him what to do or not to do. He always felt like his dad never really cared about him as it never felt like he tried to get to know his son. His mom would constantly talk about how his dad loved him and cared for him, but Younghyun never took it seriously. It was always just what parents said, but it never felt real to him.

But maybe Younghyun was just too self centered to be thinking about it through his dad’s perspective. 

His dad worked long hours to make sure the family never had to worry about money. His dad probably only wanted the best for his son which is why he always lectured Younghyun. There really wasn’t time for his dad to show that he cared for his son and with Younghyun pushing him away because of how mad he got, that never helped their relationship either.

Younghyun wipes the tears off his face and stealthily walks back up the stairs, not wanting to hear any more of the conversation. Closing the door quietly to his room, he tells himself that he needs to do better, try to move forward from all this because it’ll be better for everyone that way. When he crawls back under his covers, he looks up at the ceiling and softly smiles. 

“Mom, please watch over me from up there.”

The date is February 13, 2012, the day Younghyun decides to try living a normal life again.

  
  


Everything is harder said than done. As much as Younghyun tells himself he wants to live normally, he finds himself reminded of everything all over again. Everything just feels connected to his mom. It feels like he can’t get away from his thoughts when that’s all he wants to do. 

Younghyun grew up in this neighborhood his whole life, his parents never moving once. Everything in the area has some small moment with his mom. In particular, around the time he was five, they got new neighbors, the original people living there Younghyun doesn’t remember at all. The wife of the family is a close friend of Younghyun’s mom from university. They reconnected a few months before, finding out that they were looking for somewhere to live nearby. Younghyun’s mom, of course, knew that the house next door was for sale, so she immediately told them. It just so happened that their sons were the same age, so they figured it would be even better if they lived near each other, so they could be friends too.

That son was Im Jaebum. 

Jaebum and Younghyun became best friends on the spot. As much as Younghyun loved his mom, he enjoyed having someone like Jaebum where they could just be boys with (especially with his dad not spending time with him too). It is true that Younghyun did spend a lot of time with his mom, but Jaebum was also competition for his free time. Usually, Younghyun would come over to his place as Jaebum always own the newest games and always come up with the best activities to do. 

When Younghyun’s mom passed away, Younghyun accidentally shut out Jaebum too. It’s hard because he can’t help but associate his closest friend with his mom too. He thinks of all the times where he would see their moms hanging out together as they made sure their kids were safe on the playground. There were also times where Jaebum would come over to Younghyun’s place when his parents were off at work. Those were the times where Jaebum felt the most like a brother. His mom always saw Jaebum as her second son and said that to him too many times to count. 

Younghyum barely now finds the energy to knock on Jaebum’s door, his hands behind his back out of nervousness. Luckily, it’s Jaebum who answers it as it would’ve been awkward if it was one of his parents. 

“I’m sorry,” he says as soon as he sees the other’s face.

Jaebum stands in the doorway, a confused expression on his face, “Why are you sorry?” 

“I didn’t talk to you these past two weeks at all even though you tried to come over and stuff… I feel bad,” Younghyun frowns. 

“Dude, you don’t need to apologize. You’ve been going through a lot since the accident and I understand that. Now, come on and get inside,” Jaebum grabs onto Younghyun’s wrist and pulls him, “I’ve been wanting to play this new game with you.” 

Younghyun looks to Jaebum who immediately grins at him. Without any thought, he mirrors that smile, following the other upstairs to his room as he gets pulled along. Things feel a bit back to normal as they get immersed into the game. It’s a little challenging and Younghyun feels a bit cheated that Jaebum keeps beating him because he has a lot more experience playing, but it’s still a lot of fun. It’s the most fun Younghyun has had in a long time. 

“Jaebum, time for din-- oh, Younghyun! You’re here today,” the two boys turn around to see Jaebum’s mom at the doorway. Without giving him time to think, she immediately pulls Younghyun into a hug, “How have you been, Younghyun?” 

“I’m managing,” he barely manages to say, being a bit smothered. He can hear Jaebum sigh as the other watches the situation. 

Jaebum’s mom pulls away and cups Younghyun’s face, “I know it might not be much, but you’ve always been a son to me. If you ever need a mother figure, I’m just a minute walk away.”

When he looks back on this situation, Younghyun doesn’t understand why he got so upset. Jaebum’s mom was just trying to be nice to him during a rough time, but all Younghyun could hear at this moment is “she wants to replace my mom.” In his head, his mom is irreplaceable and it just hurt him to think that his best friend’s mom can just fill that gap in his life so easily. 

It takes every bit of Younghyun to not snap at the woman so he simply nods, “I should get going now.”

“You should stay for dinner! It would be ni--”

“Thanks, but it’s okay,” Younghyun says coldly as he gets up, “Thanks for today, Jaebum. I had fun.”

Not even looking back, Younghyun walks out, storming in anger once he walks out of their house. Opening the door to his own place, he sees his dad in the living room with a concerned expression on his face. 

“Are you okay, son?” he hesitantly asks. 

Younghyun is close to just ignoring him and going to his room like usual, but the conversation his dad and his aunt had the previous night replays in his head. He knows he shouldn’t shut out his dad, “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He sits at the adjacent couch, sinking into the cushions with a sigh. 

“I won’t push you to tell me, but I’m glad to see you hanging out with Jaebum again,” his dad says carefully, “He was really worried about you these past couple of weeks.” 

“I know. I felt bad too,” Younghyun sighs once more, thinking about how he shouldn’t just have abruptly walked out like that. Jaebum deserved better than that despite his slightly overbearing mom.

Younghyun’s dad gets up from the couch, “Well, your aunt went out with her friends tonight, but she made dinner beforehand. Do you want to eat now or later?” 

The younger sits up and looks at the dining table which is set already. It seems like his dad was waiting for him to come home to eat together, “We can eat now.”

The two sit across from each other at the dining room table. It’s still a bit awkward, but the food helps to lighten the atmosphere. The son  chats a little about what Jaebum and him did and his dad actively listens. It’s kinda nice, Younghyun admits. Younghyun finishes his meal first, getting up and grabbing his plate to put it in the sink. “I’m going to go to my room now.”

“Go ahead,” Younghyun’s dad says softly, a small smile on his face. Younghyun realizes he hasn’t seen a smile on his face in a while, at least not one directed towards him. 

  
  


The days go on and Younghyun starts talking to his dad a little bit more and more. It still feels awkward and he doesn’t want to rush anything, especially because he doesn’t want him to find out that Younghyun was eavesdropping. The controller that Younghyun thought would go forever untouched is now occasionally used by his dad as he tries to learn how to play some of Younghyun’s favorite games. 

Younghyun’s dad still hasn’t gone back to work, which worries him a bit but who is he to say anything. Today they’re playing video games on the floor. It’s intense, but his dad only beats him by the littlest bit which gets him frustrated as his dad raises his arms and victory chants. 

“Man, you’re way better than mom,” Younghyun says without thinking, holding his breath as he realizes this is the first time he’s really mention his mom to his dad after the passing. 

His dad’s expression changes and he lowers his arms, putting them behind him as he leans back. He takes a deep breath in and out, “Can I ask you a question?” 

Thinking of all the possibilities that he could be asked, Younghyun gets extremely nervous. He nods carefully, “Yeah, sure.” 

“What do you think about moving?”

Younghyun’s eyes widen, “Moving… where? Where Grandma and Grandpa live?”

“No,” his dad takes a deep breath, looking to the side before looking back at his son, “I was thinking Toronto, Canada. Just hear me out before you decide,” he bites his lip in nervousness, “I grew up in Toronto and was there for a good chunk of my life. It was the first place I thought of to move to because… I have no memories with your mom there. Everything here reminds me so much of your mom and I’m sure you feel the same way. I miss her a lot and I just can’t function being constantly reminded of her absence. I’m not saying I want to forget your mom of course, I just need to be somewhere less suffocating. I’ll always love her, but I can’t lie to you and say it hasn’t been hard being here without her. However, if you want to stay here, I completely understand and we can stay.”

“Let’s move,” Younghyun says without hesitation after hearing his dad’s explanation. 

Not expecting him to respond so quickly, his dad’s eyes widen as he looks at him, “Really? What about Jaebum and your other friends? Will that be okay?”

Younghyun nods, “It’ll be a bit hard, but I agree that it would be better if we moved. It could be a fresh start.” 

“Thank you, Younghyun,” his dad smiles at him, “If it’s not too sudden, we’ll be moving as early as next week. I already quit my job and looked into a place for us to live there.”

“That’s fine,” the younger lays on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, “The sooner the better. I’ve also been feeling a bit suffocated here.”

His dad gets up from the floor and Younghyun turns his head to face him, “I’ll figure out the more specific details soon. Get some rest.” 

It takes them not too long to settle all the details. Younghyun’s dad had actually been preparing since the first week of his mom’s death, afraid to talk to the younger about it earlier. Jaebum takes it rather harsh when Younghyun says they’re moving. He promises that they’ll keep in touch somehow because Jaebum is his closest friend and he doesn’t want to lose their friendship. Jaebum says maybe they could play online together if the timezones work right. It’ll be like Younghyun never moved.

Of course, that’s not how life works. 

Before Younghyun and his dad knew it, they were off on a plane, ready but nervous for this big change in their lives. The day they land on Canadian land is March 3, 2012.

  
  


Their two bedroom apartment is small, a lot smaller than their house in Korea. They don’t need a big place since it’s just the two of them. Despite growing up in Toronto, Younghyun’s dad has nothing in the city. His parents moved back to Korea years ago and his siblings are all around the globe. However, he does tell Younghyun that this place still feels like home to him, so he hopes the same for his son happens. 

When they settle into their tiny apartment, the two sit at the dining table. Younghyun’s dad has a bunch of paperwork in front of him, twirling a pen in his hand.

“What do you want your English name to be?” he asks, handing his son a baby name book, “If you want to be called Younghyun still that’s fine. But if not, pick a name from that book. There’s a lot of options. My English name is William so you can’t have that, but you can have anything else.” 

Younghyun leans back in his chair and thinks about it. His name has always been Younghyun and that’s always been part of his identity. From what he knows, his mother picked his name. She thought it sounded pretty and there’s probably some meaning behind it too, but Younghyun can’t remember. Thinking about his name, his mom’s voice rings in his head, calling his name affectionately. 

He realizes he doesn’t want to be haunted by these memories here. Opening the book, he skims through the names, not really sure what he’s looking for. After going through all the names that start with A, none of them just feel like him so he moves onto B. Benjamin looks like a decent name for a bit, but then he looks further and he sees the name “Brian,” which means “strong, virtuous, and honorable.” Thinking about it a bit more, he looks at his dad, “Brian sounds like a good name.” 

“Brian Kang it is. I like the sound of it,” his dad smiles as he writes the name on the paperwork for Younghyun’s new school, “I’ll call you Brian now to help you get used to it too.” 

Younghyun nods and then excuses himself to go to his room so he can settle in. His dad tells him he’ll finish the paperwork soon so he doesn’t have to worry. The younger enters his room and immediately lays on his new bed. He looks up at the ceiling, saying his new English name to himself so it can feel more real, so it can feel more like him.

  
  
  


It’s years later during his senior year when Younghyun decides to go back to Korea for university. With years of pushing away the memories of his mother in order to protect his heart, he decides to face it head on. He doesn’t remember what sparked this idea; it may have been fate. All he knows is that he had a desire to go to the same university his mom once did, taking the same major as well. When everyone asked him what major he wanted to pursue in university, all his thoughts went back to his mom telling him the stories of her past and him listening in awe that he felt like he had no other choice (although Korean literature was a close second option). 

“Are you sure about this?” Younghyun’s dad asks at the dinner table once his son brings it up that he wants to go to university back in Korea.

Younghyun nods, “I’m sure about this. It feels like something I have to do. I don’t want Korea to be this place I never go back to because I’m scared.”

“If you have the motivation, then I obviously can’t convince you otherwise,” the older smiles at him, “I kinda wanted you to go to university where I went to if I’m honest, but that’s fine.”

“And have you as a professor? I think not!” Younghyun jokes, earning a laugh from the other. When the laughs settle down, he thinks for a moment.“Will you be okay alone here?” Younghyun frowns, not even realizing until now that him going back to Korea will mean his dad will be alone here, “You can move back with me, maybe.”

He shakes his head, “I’ll be okay here. Don’t worry about me. I think your aunt is considering moving back here because she got a decent job offer, so I probably won’t be alone,” he pauses as he takes a deep breath, “If I’m honest too, I’m a bit afraid to go back there.”

“Dad…” 

Younghyun’s dad reaches across the table, his hand on his son’s face, “You have a lot more courage than me just like your mom. She would be extremely proud of how well you’ve grown up.”

He gets up to wash his plates, but Younghyun swears he saw tears in his eyes at the last split second. 

 

Younghyun also wanted to return back to being called his Korean name, the name his mom picked out of love and the name that no matter how hard he tried to avoid is still part of his identity. When he moved into his dorm the first year of college, he introduced himself to his roommate as Younghyun. Once the American boy finds out his English name is Brian however (by looking through his wallet and finding his high school ID), he laughs and says he’ll call him Brian from now on because Brian sounds more approachable. The boy’s influence spread across all their friends and everyone was calling him Brian, even his childhood friend who grew up calling him Younghyun. 

“Hey, Younghyun. Everyone’s been calling you Brian. What’s with that?” Jaebum asks as they sit at the dining hall together during their first year of university, “I got so confused when Mark referred to you as Brian.”

Younghyun chuckles, “It’s my English name. Jae found out about it and he just spread it like wildfire. The English speakers especially are having a good laugh about it.”

“Ahhhh, should I call you that too?” Jaebum looks at his childhood friend with a warm smile, “You’ve always been Younghyun to me, but I can change for you.” 

If he’s honest, Younghyun wants to tell the other to call him Younghyun like he has for most of their friendship. However, the thought of Jaebum possibly telling people about how he wants to be called by his Korean name anr therefore confusing everyone who already calls him Brian seems like a hassle. Younghyun shrugs, his chopsticks grabbing onto a huge amount of noodles, “Whatever you want.” 

“Kang Brian,” Jaebum hums, “It has a nice ring to it,  _ Brian _ .” 

“Ah yes, calling him Brian has spread even to you,” Jae giggles as he sits down next to the two, coming late because he accidentally left his ID card at their dorm, “Wasn’t sure if you would be on board with it since you grew up calling him  _ Younghyun _ but glad to hear you’ve joined us.”

Younghyun looks at Jae and it feels weird because Younghyun knew he should be frustrated and upset at Jae for this, but for some reason he wasn’t. If it was anyone else, Younghyun would’ve had a fit, yelling that this is the name is mom lovingly gave him that he wanted to reclaim. But, Jae’s different. For some reason, Jae is special and Younghyun never knew why.

Until now that is. 

  
  
  
  
  


Younghyun runs over to the adjacent apartment complex, not even bothering to wait for the elevator but deciding to run up the stairs to the third floor. Without hesitation, he knocks on the door loudly. It doesn’t take long for someone to open the door, that person being Kim Wonpil.

“Brian hyung? Are you okay?” Wonpil furrows his eyebrows as he looks at his friend in an obviously distressed state.

“I need to talk to Sungjin. It’s really urgent,” Younghyun enters the apartment without even getting a clear ‘you can come in’ from the younger because the last thing on his mind is being courteous. He knows right where Sungjin’s room is so he heads straight there, Wonpil following him as he’s quite confused.

“Hyung! You can’t just barge in here! You’ve been doing this for weeks now without telling me or Dowoon anything,” Wonpil grabs onto Younghyun’s wrist before he tries to open the door to Sungjin’s room. 

He turns around for a split second and sees Wonpil and Dowoon who has suddenly appeared behind him as well, both with concerned expressions on their faces. It’s true if he’s honest. Younghyun has spent a lot of time at their apartment just talking to Sungjin one on one, leaving the other two out. Ever since talking to Sungjin about his crush on Jae, it just opened the gates of hell where now he needs someone to talk to about Jae. Sungjin’s the only person he trusts so he bothers him about it. Sungjin never complains and always listens well so it works out for him.

Younghyun could tell this to the younger two or find some other way to explain himself, but that’s not his current priority, so he turns back around without saying a word and opens the door to Sungjin’s room. The other is studying for finals so he’s sitting at his desk, but the loud noise of the door opening gets him to turn around. 

“Hyung! Seriously! You can’t just keep coming here and not tell me or Wonpil anything!” Dowoon exasperates, his eyebrows furrowed, “We’re your friends too, you know. I don’t understand why you only tell Sungjin and not us.” 

With the door wide open, Sungjin just looks at the three without a word, letting them solve their dispute as he probably heard a lot from Dowoon and Wonpil’s side. Younghyun tries to walk into his room so he can close the door on the two, but Wonpil’s grip is firm, not letting him budge at all. Given his situation, he sighs as he stops trying to pull away from Wonpil. “Fine! You wanna know what the fucking problem is?” 

“Please,” their faces almost begging for it.

“Jae, my best friend and your guys’s close friend, is my soulmate,” his words carry heavy weight, the intensity of the atmosphere changing because of it.

Dowoon’s the only one to speak, looking at Younghyun and then right at Sungjin, “Really?” 

Sungjin lifts his hands up in defence, “Don’t look at me. This is news to me too.”

Wonpil lets go of the other’s wrist without a word, trying to process what has been told to him. The three of them quietly walk inside and close the door. Dowoon and Wonpil sit on Sungjin’s bed while Younghyun sits on the floor. They wait for Younghyun until he’s ready to continue further.

“So, basically, I’ve been coming to Sungjin because I realized I have a crush on Jae a couple weeks ago or so and I’ve been coming here to rant about it. But today, just not too long ago, I found out that he’s my soulmate.” Younghyun sighs loudly as he leans back on his arms behind him.

Sungjin takes a deep breath, “How sure are you that he’s your soulmate?”

“One hundred percent,” Younghyun looks at the floor. He had so much to say when he was running over, but now that he’s here, he feels himself going blank to speak more.

“How did you find out?” Wonpil sits at the edge of the bed, his hands gripping onto the blanket. 

“I read Jae’s journal. I originally thought that there’s nothing he’d hide from me since we’re best friends so it’d be fine reading it, but it was a log of all the times he felt his soulmate and the dates. There are important dates in my life that are written in that journal, accurately describing what I felt during those times,” Younghyun sighs, putting his hands to his face, “There’s no way it’s not him after seeing that.”

Younghyun looks up from his palms and laughs dryly, “Now thinking about it, it makes so much sense now. I was so worried about not having a soulmate because I couldn’t feel anything, but I spend so much time with Jae that our emotions are almost always the same. We have almost the same friends, have the same major, take the same fucking classes. We’re always together. The doctor back home said that my soulmate’s emotions might be muddled with my own, but I threw that option out of the window because what is the possibility of me feeling the same thing my soulmate does? I thought it was zero to none but I was obviously wrong because I never even thought of Jae being my soulmate.”

“I thought briefly that you and Jae could be soulmates, just with how comfortable you guys are with each other, but then I looked how how Wonpil and I are with Dowoon and figured it was the same so I tossed the idea,” Sungjin says cautiously.

Younghyun takes another deep breath, laying down on the hardwood floor, “Yeah, who would’ve thought.”

It gets quiet briefly. Dowoon bites his lower lip as he’s a bit afraid to ask his question, but he says it anyway “Does Jae know too?”

Younghyun scoffs, “Jae doesn’t know and he won’t know.”

“He won’t know?” Sungjin enunciates those words back to Younghyun, his head tilted in confusion, “You’re not gonna tell him?”

“God no,” the other groans as he thinks about it, sitting back up to look at Sungjin, “Think about it. Jae has always talked about wanting romance with his  _ female _ soulmate and Jae is literally the straightest guy we know. If he finds out that he’s my soulmate, it’s not going to end well.” 

“But Jae hyung adores you! I don’t think he could survive without you that I don’t think he would be upset if he finds out it’s you!” Wonpil says with a frown on his face. 

Younghyun looks at him and sighs, “Jae likes me now by his side as his best friend, not his soulmate. Soulmate is completely different,” he crosses his arms, “Think about you and Yerin. You two are close friends but if you didn’t have Sungjin, would your gay ass  _ really  _ want her as your soulmate? I don’t think so.” 

Wonpil opens his mouth trying to defend himself but he comes up with nothing and just sinks his posture with a sigh. “I guess so.” 

Sungjin rolls his chair closer to Younghyun, “Do you think he’ll find out? Does Jae know how important these dates are to you?” 

“I don’t think so. He knows what happened, but not the exact dates. It should stay that way,” Younghyun looks at the two younger ones again, “Understand, blabbermouths?

The two lift their hands in defence, “Woah woah woah, we may talk a lot of gossip but I’d think you’d have some faith in me and Wonpil when it comes to more serious situations.” 

“Yeah, hyung. I’m a bit disappointed you think this low of us,” Wonpil frowns as he looks at the floor.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just scared,” Younghyun purses his lips, “Jae’s my best friend and I’m happy how things are now. I don’t want things to change between us, but me being his soulmate changes everything.” 

“You don’t have to answer if it’s too sensitive but what happened during the days that you saw written on Jae hyung’s journal?” Wonpil asks carefully. 

Younghyun pauses for a moment, thinking of whether he should say it because he’s only told Jae about his mom’s death. It’s never really come up in conversation for anyone else as he just always referred to his childhood when talking about his mom or things he remembers about her. The five of them (including Jae) have been close so he figures maybe it’s okay, “One of the days is when my mom passed away.” 

It gets quiet as the other three weren’t expecting that “I’m so sorry, hyung,” Wonpil quietly says, a pout on his face. 

“Don’t be sorry. It happened years ago,” Younghyun tries to shoo off so they can get the sad looks off their faces. 

“I didn’t even know your mom passed away. You’ve always talked about your mom like she’s just fine,” Dowoon leans against the bed frame, biting his lower lip. 

Younghyun smiles softly, “She might not be alive but my memories of her are still alive in my heart. Plus, it’s hard to casually say that I don’t have a mom anymore when everyone’s talking fondly about how much they love their moms. I don’t want to change the atmosphere like that. It only will just make me feel uncomfortable.” 

Sungjin nods, “That makes sense. I kinda wish you trusted us with that information earlier though. We may not be as close as you and Jae, but we’re your close friends too, or so I’d like to think.” 

“No, of course! You guys are some of my closest friends here. I’m just bad at figuring out when it’s okay to say anything serious. With Jae, I’m always around him so the appropriate times comes eventually,” Younghyun sighs softly, “I wouldn’t be telling you guys about the soulmate stuff if I didn’t think we were close.” 

A big smile appears on Wonpil’s face and he gets up off the bed, giving Younghyun a big hug which almost smothers him, “Aww, Brian hyung. You  _ do  _ love us!” 

“I never said anything about love!” Younghyun protests muffled as Wonpil’s chest is in his face, “You’re taking it too far!”

Dowoon laughs and decides to join the group hug, piling on top of the two, “But we all know what you meant! You  _ looove  _ us, hyung.” 

“I do not!” Brian groans, feeling the weight of the two on top of them, “I just care about you guys a lot. That’s it!” 

Sungjin looks at the three, thinking about whether he wants to join them as he’s not the biggest fan of skinship. However, he decides to do it anyway, considering the situation is calling for it. He puts all his weight on the three and lazily wraps his arms around them. The three of them groan at the added weight on top of them “Brian, no matter what happens, we’re here for you.” 

“Wow, you got Sungjin hyung to join the hug fest, do you feel honored?” Wonpil laughs in the midst of his pain from the weight, “He usually only likes to touch me!”

“Gross! How many times do I have to tell you to not say that shit in front of me?” Dowoon smacks Wonpil on the back of his head.

“I’m… suffocating… please… spare me,” Younghyun is barely able to say, enduring the weight of three grown men on top of him. 

Hearing them almost kill Younghyun, the three immediately get off with laughs. Younghyun takes time to catch his breath as it felt like they were crushing his lungs. However, a smile doesn’t leave his face, “Thanks, guys. This means a lot.” 

Sungjin smiles, patting the other’s knee, “Anytime, bro. Things will be okay. I don’t how or when but they will be eventually.” 

Younghyun nods, feeling warm inside by the three’s presence. He feels thankful that despite all the havoc in his heart right now, he knows he has friends he can count on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, before yall say anything yes,,, youngk was a complete mama's boy before she passed 
> 
> how do you feel about him finding out jae and him are soulmates? i'm pretty sure all of u knew i was gonna write them as soulmates but yeah!!! we delved into a lot of youngk's past but don't think thats all of it bc theres still a bit more :) there's a lot more info and stuff i cant wait to write :) 
> 
> another note, i hit 30k word count!!! thank u to all who have read this far,,, it means so much to me uwu
> 
> as usual please leave some kudos and comments i rly appreciate all of them!! and if u want send some curiouscat asks my way too uwu


	7. overthinking or not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jae suspects brian's avoiding him

 

Jae might be clueless sometimes, but he knows something is off with Brian. He doesn’t know how, maybe just best friend powers but he’s always right when it comes to him.

After a long night of studying, Jae wakes up from his alarm for his first afternoon final to an empty room. It’s weird because usually Brian’s the one Jae’s forcing to wake up. However, maybe he’s doing some early studying. That’s probably it.

He forces himself to get out of bed despite how cozy it is. Quickly, he washes up and puts on some decent clothes, whatever he can find honestly. It doesn’t really matter too much what he wears as he’s not going to see Lim and no one dresses up for a final exam. That would be ridiculous.

Going into the living room, Jae expects Brian to be there at the dining room table studying like he usually would be if he was studying the day of an exam, but he’s not. Brian’s not anywhere in the apartment. It’s strange because the two of them always go to their finals since freshman year _together_. Jae looks for a note somewhere, but there’s nothing. He checks his phone and his recent texts from Brain, but again, nothing. As much as he is worried, he knows he needs to prepare for his final so he grabs some frozen food from the fridge and heats it up for breakfast.

Sticking it in his mouth once cooled, he walks over to his desk and looks to his backpack sitting on his chair to grab his notebook from inside for his upcoming final. He skims through his notes, trying to retain as much information as he can. It’s marketing, so it shouldn’t be that bad, but he just feels so unsettled for some reason that he finds himself stressing out.

With a heavy sigh, Jae puts his notebook back in his bag after a few minutes or so. It’s better for him to try not to stress before the final instead of trying to unnecessarily cram. Jae knows he studied really well last night, so he should be fine once the final is in front of him. He takes a deep breath in and out, but as much as he tries to relax he just can’t. Jae checks his phone and Brian still hasn’t texted him of his whereabouts.

_jae, brian (2)_

**Brian [9:38pm]**

yeah whatever u owe me coffee at the least

**Jae [9:39pm]**

yeah of course

no problem

 

**Jae [10:40pm]**

hey bri

did u fall asleep or something

are u not coming

 

**Jae [11:02pm]**

Bri?

r u ok????

 

Jae feels unsettled that Brian never responded, so the thought of trying to text him today and ask him where he is scares him. Jae knows the other is safe as he came home and Brian was fast asleep, but it still feels weird to him. Why would Brian not respond to him? Why would he not tell him where he is? It’s not like he had to always talk to Jae and tell him everything, but that’s just what they did. That’s what was normal for them.

Checking the time, Jae realizes he should probably walk to campus now… without Brian. He grabs his backpack and makes sure his wallet is in his pocket with his student ID. There’s a dozen pencils and scantrons in his backpack from the times he’s forgotten them in the past so he’s set for whatever this final has in store.

That’s if… his thoughts don’t distract him too much.

 

When Jae walks into the lecture hall, he spots Brian right away, already in his seat. The professor randomized seats for the final exam and it turns out Jae’s all the way on the other side of the room from Brian. Jae wants to go over to him and just talk to him for a few minutes, but the professor yells for everyone to hurry to their seats before he could even take the first step near his best friend. The professor informs the class of the exam instructions, but Jae tunes him out and just looks at Brian, hoping to try to tell him silently to meet him after the exam. However, Brian keeps his eyes in front of him, not even looking at Jae once.

The exam papers are passed and Jae doesn’t bother looking at Brian just because he doesn’t want to be accused of cheating when he’s just trying to tell his friend something. He starts feeling worried again, nervous. It’s not mainly because of the exam as the questions are more or less what Jae expected them to be. It’s just how he feels. He’s not sure if it’s because of this uneasiness with Brian or if his soulmate is going through something right now that is making her feel anxious. Either way, he honestly just wants it out of his head during the exam, so he tries his best to do so and focus so he doesn’t have to retake this class next semester.

Once he puts his mind to it, the exam goes by smoothly. He studied a lot the night before and it seemed like that paid off in the end. Finishing the last question, he gets up out of his seat to hand in the exam, showing his student ID before getting the signal to leave. Jae looks to where Brian was sitting and the man has already finished and left before him.

With a heavy sigh, Jae walks out of the exam, looking around the area for his best friend even though he knows that he probably isn’t around.

He isn’t.

  


Jae gets to the apartment and he finds Brian casually laying down on the couch, eating chips as he watches anime. The other doesn’t even bother to look at him as he comes in, his eyes and attention too focused on the bright lights and loud noise.

The taller stands there at the apartment entrance, despite already taking off his shoes. He wonders if he should say anything. Is Jae just overreacting or is there actually something wrong? Jae decides to walk over to the couch, clearing his throat to subtly signal to his roommate that he’s home.

“Oh, hey,” Brian says, glancing at Jae for a brief moment before returning his gaze to the television.

 _“That’s it?”_ Jae thinks to himself before speaking, “So, where were you this morning? I thought we were going to go the final together.”

Brian lowers the volume on the television and sits up a little, his eyes looking anywhere that’s not Jae, “I went to study at the coffee shop near the lecture hall. I-- I guess I forgot to tell you.”

Jae feels his uneasiness start to settle as he hears his roommate’s words. However, there’s one more thing on his mind. “But what happened last night? I asked you to bring me my notebook and you never did.”

“Oh…” Brian scratches the back of his head, “I accidentally fell asleep so I forgot. That’s why I was able to wake up early this morning. Sorry about that.”

  


Jae knows he’s lying.

  


The previous night Jae waited for Brian to come to the library to bring his notebook, but after waiting two hours, he figured his best friend wasn’t going to come.

“Brian, you better have a good reason for flaking on me!” Jae yells as he enters the apartment. He expects to see his roommate somewhere in the living room, but he’s nowhere to be seen. He then checks their shared bedroom and he’s not there either. Where would he go at almost midnight?

Knowing that he doesn’t have a lot of time to study, Jae walks over to his desk and grabs the notebook he asked Brian to get for him. He’s about to walk away when he notices his journal on the floor. Confused, Jae picks it up and puts it back on his desk. Usually, he cares a lot for his journal and makes sure it doesn’t get worn out considering it’s old, so seeing it on the floor is odd. Maybe he was just busy and didn’t realize it fell, he reasons with himself. That’s probably it.

Jae grabs some snacks from the pantry and refills his water bottle before walking back to the library. It’s all the way across campus so walking back and forth is a bit frustrating, but he was asking Brian to do the walk for him, so he shouldn’t complain.

Lazy to grab his earbuds from his backpack, Jae just hums in silence. The streets are relatively quiet and it gives Jae a moment to himself. He thinks maybe he should text Brian and ask where he is, but he decides not to considering he’s sent him a bunch of texts with no response earlier. That’s another weird point too. Brian always answers his texts but he’s not even responding. He tries calling Brian, but it ends up going to voicemail. Knowing that Brian has been going to Sungjin’s place a lot, he tries calling him.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sungjin. Do you know where Brian is by any chance?”

There’s a pause. “Uh, he just left my place a while ago. Why?”

Jae sighs in relief, knowing that Brian is at least safe and not abducted by aliens like what he was starting to think, “I was just curious. He’s not responding to my texts.”

“Ah, I see.”

“How long was he at your place for?” Jae finds himself almost at the library entrance so he walks a little bit slower.

“Maybe an hour or two? Not sure.”

Jae nods, despite not being seen by the other, “I see. Well, thanks, bro. Good luck studying.”

“You too.”

The call comes to an end and Jae still finds himself a bit concerned and confused, but he needs to focus on studying so he pushes the thoughts to the back of his head and saves them for later.

  
  


Jae really wants to call Brian out. He wants to say something because Brian never lies to him like this. He never has acted strangely like this during their years of friendship. For the past 3 years, their lives have been open books towards each other and Jae doesn’t like this feeling.

However, he’s scared.

He’s scared that there’s something going on with Brian and his life right now that if Jae says something he’s just going to explode. Jae just wants to give Brian the benefit of the doubt that he’ll come around, that this is just a phase and everything will be back to normal.

“Ah, dude. I understand. Don’t worry about it.” Jae gives a reassuring smile, “I’m going to nap for a bit. See you later.”

Brian only nods and Jae walks to their room. He changes into more comfortable clothing before laying on his beds. Looking straight at the ceiling, he sighs heavily. Jae doesn’t want to worry about this, but that’s all that’s in his mind.

“Everything will be okay,” he mumbles to himself, his eyelids getting heavier as he starts feeling sleepy, “I’m probably just stressed out from finals that I’m overthinking everything. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.”

  
  
  
  
  


After finals is summer break and Jae feels free from his school stress.

However, it’s _only_ his school stress.

Towards the end of their fall semester last school year, Brian and Jae applied to internships for their summer break considering they don’t have any classes to catch up on. Both being business majors, they applied to mainly the same locations. Most of them are companies in Korea, but the two thought it would be fun if they applied outside of the country too as it’ll be traveling and work all in one.

Jae has known that they decided on different internships, but now that him and Brian are at a weird are of their friendship for reasons he doesn’t know, he wishes they went to the same one.

It’s frustrating the more he thinks about it. Brian and Jae have relatively the same grades and the same amount of work experience, but Brian gets to go to a really nice company in Hong Kong. Jae also applied to the internship in Hong Kong, but he got rejected while Brian was able to get in easily. Instead, Jae’s going to Singapore to a medium sized company, which Brian also got into, but of course he chose the better opportunity. Initially, Brian was going to go to the Singapore one with Jae, but at the time Jae felt guilty and wanted Brian to take the better opportunity.

Now, he wishes he let Brian pass up the Hong Kong internship.

They’ve spent their school vacations separated before, so it’s nothing new for the two. However, they usually text each other or have the occasional video call when they’re far away from each other. This time is completely different.

Jae tries to put effort into texting Brian, not only trying to revert their friendship back to normal but also because he’s genuinely interested in what Brian’s doing at his internship. His internship is pretty dull for the most part, so he really hopes Brian’s having a lot more fun than him. Despite his effort, Brian’s responses are short and he takes a long time to respond. It bothers Jae a lot because it feels like he did something wrong but he doesn’t know what.

He’s tried talking to the others about it (aka Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon), but they tell him they have no idea what’s going on with Brian either. In the group chat of the five of them, Brian talks just fine when he’s online, but it’s coincidentally times where Jae isn’t there. The three say they don’t see anything wrong with Brian and maybe Jae’s just overthinking things. As much as Jae wants to believe those words, he can’t.

Something just feels _off._

_jae, brian_

**Jae [12:45pm]**

hey u wanna call or skype tonight

we haven’t talked in a while

**Brian [5:50pm]**

uh i think im busy tonight

maybe next time

 

**Jae [6:02pm]**

ur not avoiding me or anything right

tell me im overthinking things

**Brian [7:20pm]**

you’re overthinking things jae

im sorry ive been busy

we’ll catch up some other time

promise

 

**Jae [7:35pm]**

okay cool

im gonna hold u to that promise okay?

 

**Brian [8:20pm]**

yea ofc

 

Jae lets his body sink into his slight uncomfortable mattress as he deeply sighs. It took all day for that simple conversation to even happen. He really wants to believe that he’s overthinking things, especially with Brian even telling him so, but there’s this unsettling feeling in his gut that just won’t go away. The voices in his head tell him there’s something wrong and it’s probably his fault.

“Trouble in paradise?” Kevin hums as he enters the room. The two of them both landing internships in Singapore led them to share a space together, it being cheaper than getting their own places.

“Paradise?” Jae says, a bit confused.

“You and Brian, I mean,” Kevin sits on his bed, his feet dangling off the bed in which he gently kicks.

Jae didn’t tell Kevin anything about the whole Brian situation so he sits up. He looks at his roommate a bit more confused, “How did you even know?”

“You haven’t brought him up since summer break started. Usually, you always keep us up to date on what he’s doing because you love talking about him. Also, you warned me you two would skype occasionally, but that hasn’t happened once,” Kevin shrugs as he looks at the other.

“He’s been more distant. It’s unlike him,” he sighs once more, looking at the floor.

“Well, you guys don’t always have to talk, you know,” the older says cautiously, “I don’t know if you know this, but friends don’t usually talk and spend time together as much as you two usually do. I know some of us thought it was a little weird at first.”

Jae furrows his eyebrows as he looks at the other, “I-- really? I thought it was normal to have someone as close to you as me and Brian are.”

“I mean yeah, if you’re… dating or married,” Kevin looks at the floor, questioning to himself whether he should say something else in which he says yes to himself and does.

 

“Is there possibly something going on between you and Brian?”

 

Jae’s eyes widen as he looks at his roommate, completely shocked that he would ask something like that. He’s quiet, however, trying to find the right words to say before he responds.

“Why would you think that? I’m not… I’m not _that._ ” Jae tries to hide the frustration in his voice, an emotion that always comes up whenever this kind of topic comes up.

“I’m sorry. I mean, it’s okay if you are, I--”

“But I’m not,” Jae’s heavy words cut through strongly that it quiets the other from trying to explain himself any further, “You’re not the first one to accuse me and accuse us of being something that we aren’t.”

Kevin purses his lips, looking straight into the other’s eyes, “I just-- You know there’s nothing wrong with being gay or whatever. It’s perfectly fine,” he takes a breath, “Well, that’s what I believe despite what the church says and I know other people who are Christians that think the same. I just want to let you know that.”

“I mean, I have friends that aren’t straight and you know that. Of course it’s fine,” Jae shrugs off, hoping that the conversation will go anywhere else because he’s getting uncomfortable.

“No, I mean for you, hypothetically of course,” Kevin leans back on his arms, still maintaining eye contact with the other.

Jae bites his lower lip, feeling a tugging in his heart that he doesn’t like. Throughout his life, he’s been told a lot of different things about being gay and stuff along those lines that he finds his own opinion being muddled in the midst of it all. He’s learned to love and accept his friends for who they are because he wouldn’t be anywhere if it weren’t for them, but for someone like him who is a Christian? Honestly, he’s not so sure about that.

“I don’t know about that, if I’m honest,” Jae’s lip quivers as he speaks, he feels himself panicking slightly at the discussion of all this and he doesn’t like it.

Not wanting the conversation to go any further, Jae fake yawns as realistically as possible, sinking back into his mattress, “Well, I’m tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Good night.”

Jae turns his body to face the wall and pulls the blanket over his body. Despite not being able to see, he can just feel Kevin’s glares piercing him. He can feel the frustration from him of Jae just cutting off the conversation like that, but Jae just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. The best cure for his thoughts is sleeping, so that is what he’ll do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for such a late update,,, i've been having really bad writer's block i just didnt know how to wrap this chapter up for the longest time... i'm still not over the writer's block so i'm not going to have regular updates like before. sorry about that!!!
> 
> also if you noticed,,, i took off the expected amount of chapters bc i got a new idea for the ending which is probably going to extend this fic to have more chapters than i thought hhhhhh


	8. just like her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> younghyun has a conversation with his boss who used to be close friends with his mom

Younghyun is absolutely miserable. 

If he thinks about it, he hasn’t been friends with Jae for that long. Three years for how many years he has lived on this world is nothing and it should be nothing. Hell, he’s known Jaebum five times longer than he’s known Jae. His impact on Younghyun’s life should be small. It should be easy to gloss over and pretend their friendship never happened.

However, his presence in his life is so strong that Younghyun can’t say that.

It feels like Jae’s existence in his life are the only amount of years he’s lived. He knows that this feeling is mainly because he’s trying everything he can do to avoid him, to avoid remembering that they’re soulmates. It’s hard when Younghyun’s avoiding Jae during finals season. Living in the same apartment, sharing the same room, taking the same classes, it all just screams  _ Jae _ in his head. How can it not? 

Younghyun tries his best to avoid the other, telling him he has plans to study with other people, sleeping at times where Jae would be awake and waking up early when he knows Jae will be fast asleep. He knows this behavior is childish and there are probably better ways to combat this situation, but with his stress of finals this is all he can do. 

He tries his best to act ignorant, pretending like he doesn’t feel Jae’s stares when he looks at him when Younghyun is turned away and avoiding eye contact, pretending like he doesn’t hear the disappointment in Jae’s voice when Younghyun turns him down to do something together. It hurts, really. Soulmate or not, Younghyun cares about Jae and he hates doing this. 

The worst part about this is the emotions. 

It feels like the world is laughing at him when he feels Jae’s emotions. The same emotions he thought weren’t there that he longed for. There were nights he cried in his sleep, desperately wanting his soulmate to just be alive only for him to be right in front of his eyes. Every time he feels the pain in his heart, the stress, the worry, the anxiety, it feels like a punch in the face, telling him “Here he is, your soulmate, Park Jaehyung. Aren’t you happy that he exists?” 

He never answers that question when he hears it ring in his head. 

 

Being away from Jae helps a little during the summer. He thanks his past self for not deciding to go to the same internship as Jae in Singapore. Jae has been confused that Younghyun got the internship at one of the biggest companies in Hong Kong and he didn’t considering they did relatively the same things and got relatively the same grades. It seemed like luck to Jae, but it wasn’t. 

For some reason, Younghyun kept all the business cards he received from his mother’s friends on her funeral. Maybe it was because it was something related to her, he’s not sure as he didn’t really understand the concept of business cards back then. It’s because of this that Younghyun was able to get the internship. His current supervisor is one of his mom’s close friends from university. 

He initially tried to get him and Jae into the internship, but his supervisor said it would be a bit of a squeeze to bring in Jae too, so he didn’t. Younghyun didn’t want to brag about having connections, so he never told Jae about it, letting him believe that it was just luck. 

Younghyun immerses himself in his work. It’s a plus that he actually enjoys the tasks handed to him as he picks up every task assigned to him, goes to any event offered to him. Anything to keep him busy will do for him. The busier he is, the less he has to consciously ignore Jae’s texts and calls. Sungjin reminds Younghyun that this is unfair to Jae as he’s worried and constantly contacting the other because of it. Younghyun just sighs because he doesn’t need Sungjin to tell him how Jae feels as he already feels it in his heart. 

  
  


“Hey, boss. Got anything else for me to do? I finished those files you asked me to look over,” Younghyun says as he walks into his boss’s office. He, Mr. Chen, looks up from his desktop and chuckles as he watches Younghyun place the folder on his desk. 

“You know, interns usually don’t ask for more to do. They prolong the work and goof off,” the older leans back on his seat. 

Younghyun shrugs, “Shouldn’t you be glad I’m different from the others?” Mr. Chen gestures for Younghyun to sit down and he does. 

“Sure, yeah. Of course I should be happy, but you’re young and honestly seeing you work so hard makes me worry a bit,” he sits up a little, “I know that’s mainly because of the small personal relationship we have, but it’s a worry nonetheless. You should be out having fun. You’re in a new country. Go and explore. Don’t just be here in the office.” 

“So, I’m guessing that means you don’t have anything else for me to do?” Younghyun chuckles softly. The other gives him a glare and Younghyun smiles, “I was joking, okay? I get what you mean but it’s just that I… came here to learn so that’s what I should do, right? Soak up all the experience I can get?” 

The supervisor sighs, “I suppose so but even if you acted like any other intern, you would still learn so much and not have to overwork yourself.”

Younghyun sits there, not saying anything because yes, his boss does have a point. However, he’s only doing this to run away from his thoughts about Jae. He just wants to be busy so he doesn’t have to lie to Jae when he replies hours later saying he couldn’t respond earlier because work got in the way. It was supposed to be a foolproof plan, but who would’ve thought his boss would have no work left to give him? 

“Now that I think about it, however, I do have a plan for you,” his boss grins at him, putting his papers back into his folder. 

Excited by the sudden change of mind, the younger’s eyes sparkle, “What is it?” 

Mr. Chen chuckles as he cleans up his desk, putting on his backpack soon after, “Just follow me.” 

  
  


Younghyun looks up at the city sky, the industrial tall buildings all in sight. He still finds beauty in it, naturally thinking about how he and Jae could have been walking through the streets of Hong Kong so many times if he got the internship too. On the way to street food, Younghyun can just think of how jittery Jae would be, excited to eat, and complain how slow Younghyun is walking. Maybe with Jae he would walk faster, but instead he’s with his boss and doing what he wanted to avoid, thinking of Jae. 

“Something on your mind, Younghyun?”  

The younger immediately snaps out of it, shaking his head, “Not really.” 

“Well, if you’re anything like your mother, I know you’re lying to me,” he softly chuckles, noticing the younger’s eyes widened just a bit, “I don’t know how much you know about how your mother was back in the day though.” 

The topic of his mother causes Younghyun to walk a lot slower despite the hecticness of the city streets. “She was amazingly passionate at what she did, traveled across the globe doing business. She was brave, willing to go into things head first without any regrets. Incredibly smart too.” Younghyun looks up at the sky once more and can picture his mom and her wonderful smile. 

The elder nods, “All correct, of course. Your mother was an amazing person. She was an inspiration even to me. There was a fire in her that even to this day, remains unique in my memory. There is no one like her,” he clears his throat, “I can say though that that woman was extremely stubborn. If she ever was upset or frustrated with something, she would immediately take it to her work. Putting all her energy into her career because she would rather overwork herself than confront her feelings. Now, I would like to infer that this may be a trait you’ve inherited from her. Just a mere observation.” 

“I-”

“Wait just one moment, Younghyun,” the older walks over to a food stall and Younghyun doesn’t even realize they’ve already reached the food market area, too immersed in his thoughts and the conversation. After a short wait, his boss comes back with skewers of fish balls, sui mai, and much more all in a platter. He points the other to a nearby table and they grab a seat.

“Help yourself,” he says as he pushes the food closer to Younghyun with a smile. 

Younghyun frowns slightly. His stomach is growling but he still feels guilty, “You shouldn’t have. I could’ve paid for myself.” 

His boss chuckles, “Oh, so you, a university student who has to pay for international tuition fees, want to pay for the meal instead of accepting free food? I’m surprised,” the younger grits his teeth at the remark and he just laughs once more, “Just accept the food. I don’t pay you much anyway.”

With a sigh, Younghyun gives in and the food is absolutely delicious. If he didn’t go out with his boss he would’ve probably ordered take out or boiled ramen in his small studio apartment. The food is cheap so he shouldn’t be worrying about feeling bad, but the fact that his boss has done so much for him makes him feel guilty. Hell, if Younghyun was not him being his mom’s son, he would’ve never gotten the opportunity to be where he is now. He would be in… Singapore.

 

Oh right, Jae.  _ Again _ in his head. 

 

“You okay?” The boss notices Younghyun’s slowed chewing and spacing out just like when they first walked out of the office. If he’s honest, he’s noticed it quite a bit since Younghyun has started interning for him. Usually when the younger is working on a task, he stays completely focused, but during the last hour of the day when he’s done with his tasks or even during lunch break, Younghyun quiets down, looks off into the distance, and has a sad look on his face. Of course, if Younghyun was just any other intern, Mr. Chen wouldn’t have noticed it, but that’s his close friend’s son, of course he’s going to care a little more. 

Younghyun snaps out of it and shakes his head once again, “I’m fine. I promise.” 

“Oh, as I was saying about your mother, she used to work at the company for a while. Not sure if you ever knew that,” the older grabs a skewer, dipping it in sauce casually.

“Really? I know she said she worked in Hong Kong, but she was never specific. I mean, I was only a kid when she told me her work stories, so of course she wouldn’t get into specifics,” his mind shifting from Jae allows his appetite to come back as he grabs another skewer as well.

“Right, of course,” he smiles, “that wouldn’t make sense. Well, she did. My father hadn’t retired yet, so I was only general manager at the time. She calls me out of the blue and she asks if she can work under the company. I was confused, knowing she was more of a freelancer since she loved traveling. I asked her why and she said it was because she missed me. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

The younger can’t help but laugh, “Why?”

“She’s probably a loving mother in your eyes, but your mom never said things like that. If she cared about you, she would show it through her actions and her keeping in contact with you because she was such a busy woman. She never said it through her words. You can even ask Hyesun, Jaebum’s mom, if I’m remembering her son’s name properly. You used to live near her family if I recall.” 

Younghyun nods, completely interested in the other’s words. 

“Yeah, so I couldn’t say no to your mom especially because someone recently quit in the company and that was a spot she could easily fill until we found someone. I knew she wasn’t going to be in Hong Kong for long, no matter what she said about missing me or whatever. It was easy and soon she was here and  _ god _ did she stress me out.” 

“How come?”

The older groans, thinking about it again, “She was just like you right now!” He wags his finger at Younghyun and the other immediately brings his head down in shame. 

“... I’m sorry.”

Mr. Chen shakes his head, “No, I was just joking with you. You don’t stress me out. Don’t worry. It’s different with you and her. You’re an intern so I can hand you a lot more smaller and frequent tasks like looking through these stack of files or what not. I can always find something for you to do, especially because I’m not just a general manager anymore too. However, back then, I didn’t have the power to hand over just anything to her, and because she was actually filling a position and had a degree and experience, I couldn’t give her small tasks to do either. She would finish a project that I would need done in a week, in maybe two days instead. I didn’t have things to just constantly hand her and she would get upset at me.” 

The thought of Younghyun’s mother annoying his current boss makes him chuckle, “I see.”

“I had to have a talk with her about it a month in a half into her working at the company. I sensed a lot earlier that she was dealing with something, but I thought it would go away with her not thinking about it and working, but that wasn’t the case, obviously. After a few beers, I got it out of her that she met your father in Chicago,” he nods as he notices Younghyun’s jaw drop, “Yeah, she knew right away that he was her soulmate, not sure when he found out, but she was freaking out. Your mom loved her job so much. She had so much joy traveling the world and meeting people, so she knew that meeting your dad would mean she would have to settle down and stop because her lifestyle wasn’t suitable at all for a family. At the time, she wasn’t ready to give it up.”

Thinking back to how he remembers her, Younghyun would’ve never thought that his mom experienced something like this. His mom told him about her work life, but she would always tell him that she doesn’t regret quitting at all and she loves her life now. She would call Younghyun her pride and joy and that all she wants now in life is for her son to grow up healthy and happy. 

“So were you the one who convinced her to talk to my dad?” 

The other nods, “Yeah. However, I know she would’ve came to her senses with or without me. Soulmates are supposed to end up together. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Younghyun thinks about Jae and how he’s been avoiding him. However, this is different. He can’t imagine living a life with Jae romantically. As much as his crush on Jae still lingers despite the messy feelings of them being soulmates, he just can’t see a reality of them being together. 

“What did you say to her?” 

“I told her that she’s an idiot,” Mr. Chen laughs, a warm smile on his face as he recalls the exact conversation, “She immediately gets mad at me of course, but she was being an idiot. Running away from your problems never solves anything. If she wanted to be serious about continuing her job traveling the world, she can have a serious conversation with your father about it. No one told her she had to quit her job finding her soulmate and settle down. She could’ve waited to have you later until she felt ready. She decided it on her own that she would settle down.”

“So, I’m assuming she quit the company afterwards and chased after my dad?” 

“Yeah, exactly that. I’m not even sure your dad knows about this as we never really talked about it afterwards. Maybe she told him, but you can ask your dad about that. How is he doing by the way?”

Younghyun brightens a bit as he talks about his dad. He tells his boss about the university promotion he recently received, being head of the psychology department now. They talk at least once a week on the phone, mainly with Younghyun pushing for it as he does worry about if his dad is lonely without him being there. It’s been a few years since Younghyun moved back to Korea, but he still gets worried. 

“Do you know what happens to people who lose their soulmates like my dad? Are they just alone for the rest of their lives?” Younghyun finds himself asking as he had no one older to ask about this. 

Mr. Chen hums as he thinks about it, “I’m not sure. Some people choose to live their lives alone because their soulmate is the only one they think they can love. Other people try to find other soulmate-less people and match up that way, but it’s very uncommon.” 

“I just worry. I’m the only child and my dad doesn’t want to come back to Korea because he’s scared and I’m hardly back in Canada now. I just don’t like him being alone,” Younghyun sighs, realizing right after how much he’s opening up to his boss, but doesn’t care too much. 

The other pats Younghyun’s head and smiles, “Such a filial son you are. Your mother would have been so proud of how you grew up. I’m sure your father is proud too. I think he’s just happy that you’re healthy and happy.”

Before Younghyun can respond, Mr. Chen gets a call on his phone. It turns out to be his wife who’s asking him to pick up some groceries on the way home from work. 

“I should probably get going. Do you live far from here? I can call you a taxi if you need one?” 

The younger shakes his head, “I think it’s only a five minute walk from here. Don’t worry.” 

“I’ll see you at work. I enjoyed hanging out with you for a bit and I hope you… possibly learned something? I suppose.” The older chuckles as he waves before walking away. “Get home safe.”

Younghyun nods, waiting for his boss to disappear from his sight before heading back to his apartment. The conversation he had should be gearing him to talking to Jae and at least have their friendship be like how it was before. However, he finds himself staring at his phone, at his messages with Jae, but he can’t find it in him to say something. 

He’s scared if he’s honest. It’ll be easy for them to return back to being normal, but the feelings Younghyun has in his heart, the fact that Younghyun and Jae are soulmates,  _ that _ is what makes everything complicated. It kills him inside that he’s keeping this information from Jae, but he can’t just suddenly reveal that they’re soulmates. That’s not a simple task. That’s not something Younghyun feels ready for. 

Maybe one day he’ll be ready to talk to Jae, but first he has to sort things in his head first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while since i updated huh,,, been going through some stuff but i still wanna finish this fic,, but it doesn't seem like it's ending any time soon. younghyun in a lot of thought and he needs time to think about what to do with everything so of course hes gonna have talks with the ppl around him so he can figure out himself :) pls send me ccs and what not hehe

**Author's Note:**

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